Angry Ward: Watt is Shot, Russ Can Be Fixed, the Mets and Carlos Correa Need Better Writers

Angry Ward, Carlos Correa, JJ Watt, Rob Gronkowski, NFL, Mets, Steve Cohen
Dude, let's go play for the Jets! We can watch Carlos Correa!

BRONX, NY – Welcome to the week between Christmas and New Year’s or, as I like to call it, Spring Training for the month of February. This is that bleak stretch at the tail end of the year when a LOT of people think about ending it all, only to talk themselves out of it because 1) they realize that their swan song will be reduced to white noise among all the others, and 2) that those left to pay attention will be too disinterested to even notice. It’s a losing proposition all the way around. You’re better off eating chocolate chip cookies, drinking bacon grease straight out of the pan, and watching the Skyrizi Bowl on ESPN 5. In fact, if you’re reading this right now, you’re on the right track for how to treat this week. I’m just gonna pull some headlines and comment. Let’s see what we got.

J.J. Watt Announces This Will Be Final NFL Season. No sh!t! The only thing surprising about this “announcement” is that it didn’t happen three years ago. Watt the fack? Let’s move on.

Gronk: “I Don’t Have That Itch” to Play Football Right Now. That’s okay. It’s safe to say that Gronk is probably dealing with a whole host of other itch issues, topical creams, and so forth.

Mets and Correa “Working Through” Issue. This headline is ambiguity “flavor country.” Take some chances with your writing, guys! How about Correa Bum Wheel Might Sink Huge Deal or Hanukkah on Hold, as Uncle Steve Considers Not Adding Carlos to the Fold. Okay, okay, it ran a little long, but you get the point.

Broncos Think Wilson is “Fixable.” Of course he is! Look no further than the end of that Seahawks/Patriots Super Bowl, which was totally fixed.

Pirates to Sign 42-Year-Old LHP Hill. Avast ye, Matey! Nothing like the Buccos adding another crusty old salt to the fold. Shiver me timbers, it’s Rich Hill! They should just bring Dave Parker back already. He was the best, and should be in the Hall of Fame.

NY Jets to Partner with Southwest Airlines. OK, this is a BS hed, but no one has had more takeoff failures than these two decrepit franchises recently. Jets fans are just stranded Southwest passengers with more baggage and more booze. This is a match made in heaven, really.

All right, I’m done for today. Come back tomorrow for our Most Valuable Diaz, Buddy.

Share Button
About Angry Ward 742 Articles
Angry Ward, who has admirers at the New York Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but for one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way Nancy Pelosi embraces Mitch McConnell at charity events. And while his Vikings only tease him with success, his Golden State Warriors actually win these days. A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, "The Franchise." (Junoir Blaber disputes this). Vent, curse and giggle with him on Angry Ward Wednesdays.