Angry Ward: Cowboys Suck, Tom Brady Needs Some Care, and Chargers Rearrange Some Furniture

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Lamar Jackson stunned by his new Vikings uniform or new Tom Brady friend, Veronika Rajek?

NEW YORK, NY – Well, it was a pretty wild Wild Card weekend, as has been discussed here the past couple of days. I’m not going to get into any game specifics or start making predictions about this coming weekend’s games, but there’s still plenty to talk about. To wit…

The Cowboys Suck. Isn’t that just fun to say? It’s really quite cathartic. Anywho, Dallas beat Tampa Bay Monday night in a game featuring two teams and cities right at the very top of my “drop dead” list. Hard to watch games like that, even when Dallas’s dumb kicker is missing extra point after extra point like his leg is possessed by Chuck Knoblauch’s arm. Anyway, yes, despite their win, I want to assure you all that the Dallas Cowboys still very much suck and their head coach is still Mike McCarthy and Jerry Jones has already assured Sean Payton that McCarthy’s job will be his next year. But, for now, let’s just hang our hats on Dallas sucking and knowing that they won’t be going to the Super Bowl this year or the foreseeable future. That’s good enough, right? Let’s move on.

Tom Brady. I want to preface this by saying that I am very much AGAINST body shaming of any kind, but someone needs to buy Tom Brady a f**king hamburger, and quick. We can’t have the GOAT walking around looking like’s going to keel over at any moment. It’s bad for business. I know firsthand what stress and anxiety can do to your sleep and appetite, and to me Brady looks like a guy who is wearing this last year of his life like some kind of macabre uniform. I sincerely hope he’s getting some help and spends the offseason figuring out what matters most to him and maybe thinking a little about what life after football will be. Again, I wish him well.

Chargers Fire Coach… But Not Their Head Coach. In a bold move, of decidedly wishy-washy proportions, the Los Angeles Chargers announced yesterday that they were firing Offensive Coordinator Joe Lombardi and, just so he wouldn’t feel so terribly alone, they were also sh!tcanning quarterbacks coach Shane Day. The good news is head coach Brandon Staley, fearless captain of the S.S. Chokesalot, is being retained. Yessir, Chargers ownership will not be swayed by common sense or reasoning when it comes to retaining a cost-effective head coach. The last thing they want to do is pay a lot of money to some guy that actually knows what he’s doing. Much better to roll the dice with a guy who himself is constantly rolling the dice. Stay classy, San Dieg… er… Los Angeles.

Lamar Jackson. Please report to Minnesota immediately. That is all.

That’s also all for today. Come back tomorrow for some brotherly love from Eagles fanboy Buddy Diaz, who will hopefully be cooking up a Giants-trolling cheesesteak whiz wit.

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About Angry Ward 742 Articles
Angry Ward, who has admirers at the New York Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but for one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way Nancy Pelosi embraces Mitch McConnell at charity events. And while his Vikings only tease him with success, his Golden State Warriors actually win these days. A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, "The Franchise." (Junoir Blaber disputes this). Vent, curse and giggle with him on Angry Ward Wednesdays.