Angry Ward: Screaming Into the Sports Abyss

Angry Ward, Mike McCarthy, Aaron Rodgers, Steelers, NFL, Meet The Matts, Ward Calhoun, #GoogleAlerts
MTM Graphic Dept: Apologies for this being late. It took 70 minutes to make in PhotoShop, instead of 5 with A.I.

BRONX, NY – Well, kids, we finally made it! There’s no better time of year than that dead week before the Super Bowl. You get to spend 13 glorious days waiting for two teams you could give a rat’s a$$ about, play in the biggest game of the year. And, as an added bonus, you get to listen to everyone talk about it ad nauseam, right up until kickoff. You know what else is happening? Not a whole hell of a lot. The NBA doesn’t matter yet, neither does the NHL, and there are like three people who care about college basketball before March, and one of them works here. On top of that, it’s cold and gray and the worst month of the year starts on Sunday. Whee! Let’s try to kill some time anyway.

Steelers Hire Mike McCarthy. I have not stopped laughing about this hire since it happened. Did the Steelers get sold to the Browns ownership group and no one told me? Let’s hope this means that Aaron Rodgers is coming back too. I can’t deal with another off season of rumors of him ending up on the Vikings. I’d sooner take Kirk Cousins back. But, anyway, way to go Pittsburgh. Mike McCarthy is the least inspiring head coaching choice since Dallas hired Mike McCarthy. Let the good times roll!

Bill Belichick Not a First-Ballot Hall-of-Famer. You know who this must be driving nuts? Bill Belichick. I’m sure Bill Belichick’s girlfriend is none too pleased either. Has she taken to social media yet? please tell me she has. Well, anyway, Belichick won 6 Super Bowls as a head coach, but he also cheated… so, there’s that. While we may never no just how much cheating he did, someone sure does. I’m guessing that was enough for them to figuratively smack him across the snout with a rolled-up newspaper. Better luck next time, B.B.

Winter Olympics Preview! Just kidding. I have no idea what’s going on with the Olympics these days. I mean, I was alive for the Miracle on Ice. Doesn’t anything that happens at the games from that moment forward qualify as a distant second place, at best? Still 41-year-old Lindsey Vonn is back! She’s gotta pretty much be the bionic woman at this point. One other important note, as an all-knowing sports influencer on maybe the most visited sports site on the entire interwebs, I am granting special dispensation for all Americans making it quite all right to root against your home country in these games. Enjoy!

That’s it for me this week. *Yawn!* Come back tomorrow for Buddy Diaz who always asks his barber for the Luge Helmet Haircut.

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About Angry Ward 834 Articles
Angry Ward, who has admirers at the New York Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but for one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way Nancy Pelosi embraces Mitch McConnell at charity events. And while his Vikings only tease him with success, his Golden State Warriors actually win these days. A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, "The Franchise." (Junoir Blaber disputes this). Vent, curse and giggle with him on Angry Ward Wednesdays.