THE ART OF MAILING IT IN

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by Rex O’Rourke

Procrastination, Ohio – Let’s face it folks. I’ve been mailing it in. I don’t come up with an idea until Sunday at “God Knows When”. Most weeks the thought of writing this flippin’ column is vexing at best; so I mail it in. When it comes to writing a weekly article, I’m the guy who studies in the hallway five minutes before the test, reads the Cliff Notes, and copies off your paper. In fact, when it comes to mailing it in, I’m the Postmaster General.

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Yet, in a kooky sort of a way, my sheer apathy, my complete laziness, and my utter lack of effort has provided me with this week’s theme; athlete’s who mail it in.

Now first of all, some athletes CAN’T mail it in. Any sport involving individual timed performance such as swimming or track cannot be faked. You have to be in shape and no teammate can “pick you up”.

Still, some sports lend themselves to mailing it in. Baseball is the best example. Terry Forster was once described as a “Tub of Goo” by David Letterman and probably mailed it in. In fact any underperforming overweight athlete has probably mailed it in on occasion; at least as it pertains to fitness. Mickey Mantle played hung over and therefore HAD to mail it in once in a while. A day game after that night at The Copa, fuggetaboutit! Sid Fernandez, David Wells, even Hall of Famer Tony Gwynn never mailed it in at the Continental Breakfast, but probably mailed it in later that day once in a great while.

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Football, can on a rare occasion, be mailed in, albeit at your own risk. Max McGee scored two touchdowns in Super Bowl I with a hangover. He didn’t think he would play and was no doubt at least planning on mailing it in. Ron Dayne mailed the entire career in. Don Strock backed up Dan Marino for years and did nothing more than hold a clipboard and scope out the babes in the first row. In this instance Strock was the Bill Shatner of pro athletes. You can’t tell me Otis Sistrunk (out of The University of Mars) was ready to play on every down. Billy Kilmer? Sonny Jergensen? Art Donovan? Come on!

Finally, in the interest of mailing it in, I’m dealing with some computer issues, and am posting from a Mac, so all the goofy videos and photos will be provided by the editorial staff since I cannot, or will not, be able to figure that out and thus, you guessed it, will be mailing it in.

West Coast Craig, tomorrow.
Until next week,
Rex

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