BRONX, NY – Back from Florida, where I barely survived four days of trying to kill myself with rum and gambling and mammoth hamburgers and more rum. On Tuesday, Betsy DeVos was confirmed by the Senate as this country’s new Secretary of Education as Mike Pence, still in his medically-induced coma, blinked twice to cast the deciding vote. This all made me want to head down to Florida to finish the job I had started. Instead, let’s have the brilliant Ms. DeVos answer some of your sports questions.
Q. Do you think the Knicks will ever be able to trade Carmelo?
BD. It depends. What type of candy bar is Nicks trying to get for his Carmello. I mean a Snickers is out of the question, but maybe something like a Twix? This is fun. Next question.
Q. Who do you like in the Stanley Cup?
BD. Like a sports cup? I don’t know, but I always liked Jim Palmer in Jockeys.
Q. What weighs more, a pound of bricks or a pound of hash found in the trunk of any former Dallas Cowboys player’s car?
BD. A pound of bricks.
Q. Where do you stand on the use of performance enhancing drugs?
BD. I strongly believe that all school-age children should be on Ritalin and all Junior High School teachers on acid.
Q. If we can stick with sports, are you a fan of the designated hitter?
BD. You mean the big guy in the hockey contest who can’t score or play defense but is really good at hitting other big guys in the face with his fists? Yes, very much so.
Q. Did you know that Donald Trump once owned the New Jersey Generals?
BD. No, but isn’t that nice. Now he owns them all. That’s America for you!
Q. Staying with jersey. Do you have any idea where Tom Brady’s jersey is?
BD. I don’t know who Tom Brady is, but I’m sure his Jersey is where everyone’s Jersey is… right between Montana and Colorado. That Chris Christie is a nice man. Also, we don’t need to teach geography in schools. We all know where everything is and, if we don’t, we ask at a gas station.
Q. One final question, if you don’t mind. Are you for or against legalizing sports gambling in all 50 states?
BD. I’m very much against gambling of all kinds. I don’t think it’s wise at all for people to throw their money around on such foolishness. You should only throw your money around when you’re positive it will land you a Cabinet position.
That’s all for this week. Come back tomorrow for future Secretary of Homeboy Security, Buddy Diaz. And you can find us on Twitter at @Angry_Ward & @MeetTheMatts, Instagram @MeetTheMatts and our Facebook page, Meet The Matts.