MACUNGIE, PA – As the MTM Tech Dept monkeys with my post, I’ll be gathering my things and heading off to my Mothra-In-Law’s in Pennsyltucky for Easter weekend. Since we’re headed back early Sunday, she’s making Easter dinner on Saturday. Ham. How appropriate for her Jew-ish daughter-in-law.
You all know the deal with the Jew’s enslavement in Egypt by the Pharoah and their Exodus into the holy land (led by Charlton Heston.. I mean.. Moses). But what is with all the Matzoh for the entire week? Well, Matzoh is eaten during Passover because in their haste to flee, the Jews could not wait for their bread to rise, which rendered it flat and unleavened. Flatbread? No. Matzoh was born! Hooray! But before you liken it to cardboard, spread some peanut butter and jelly on it and you’ll see it ain’t so bad. (A tasty treat you can find in the Kosher Korner at Yankee Stadium.)
Better yet is the tradition of Hide the Afikomen. No, it’s not some X-rated game Randy Levine loves to play. It’s a game in which an adult hides a piece of matzoh and the kids at the Passover dinner go and find it. Most families will give some sort of pithy cash prize to the winner, but more traditional lore has the winner getting – get this- the said piece of matzoh for… dessert. Yum. The Heebs sure know how to party. Oh, and I am pleased to announce that as was declared a few days ago under the Rabbinical supervision of Angry Ward, this site is Kocur for Passover. Mat-zoh, Mat-zoh Man. I want to be…a Matzoh Man.
Anyway, as you goys are celebrating The Resurrection and unhinging of your Jesus from the cross by GORGING yourselves on all that you gave up for Lent (I’m lookin’ at you Vertically Challenged Matt), chocolate bunnies and jelly beans, I thought I’d take a look at the Ten Plagues that were visited upon Pharaoh & The Evil Egyptians. Seeing as Opening Day is upon us, we’ll look at this MLB Style.
#10 Water Turns Into Blood: Imagine the horror when a river turns to blood. How does THAT happen? I mean, the Los Angeles Angels (of Anaheim… can we kill that bit?) were a good team with some hit-and-run that kept opponents on their toes, but SWEEPING the Red Sox? What happened to the greatness of Beckett the dead-lockness, monster stuff of Papelbon? And what about Big Papi? Yeah.. he was better known as BIG FLOPPI after 2009. Water into blood… the post-season showing of the Red Sox… easily.
#9 Frogs: A gigantic plague of frogs? All hopping around, ribbitting with their slime and their lack of WB Frog charm? Ew. Very puzzling this plague would be. The MLB equivalent here is Ichiro Suzuki. Freakish batting stance and an ability to go pretty subdued on the MLB-hype radar. But he just keeps poppin and hoppin, putting up really good numbers and being faithful to his lily-pad; The Seattle Mariners.
#8 Lice: Oh, lice… Very nice. Reminds me of the days when I was nary four-years-old and my mom sent me to private school for a year. (She did this in order to circumvent NYC Public Schools and get me a year ahead in school.) What’d I get at private school? Lice. Anyway… I had long, dark lovely hair, which was was soon cut to a pixie – thanks to the lice. In MLB, I can only imagine what critters are running around in Manny Ramirez’s dreads. Lice??? I think I see some crawlin’ on his left shoulder in the following:
#7 Livestock Diseases: The one that comes immediately to mind is Mad Cow Disease. You know, the stuff that infected our beef supply several years ago and was allegedly rooted in Europe. (Thanks Alexander du Boris von Farveghnugen.) When I think about big, frothing-at-the-mouth Mad Cows.. I think about Omar Minaya on the unlikely, very-far-away-day that he gets his walking papers. Either that or Prince Fielder, when he no longer has a job. Just like livestock, he’s branded with that gigantic tattoo of his name across his back, so we’ll always know who he is. MOO. Or is it Mmmmmmm… For the donuts?
#6 Flies: A plague of thousands of MILLIONS of flies. The MLB recipient of this plague would be none other than Luis Castillo. (Otherwise known as lower c. Let’s start that fella because the season is beginning and it’s time to lower the bar.)
#5 Boils: Unsightly… So unsightly they are! I am lacking a visual memory of anyone I’ve ever seen with an actual boil, though, likely because of the advances of modern dermatology. No. Wait. Scratch that. Carlos Beltran pops into mind. With all the money that dude has, you’d think he could remove that gigantic, plague-like thing from the side of his cranium already. I mean… if Enrico Iglesias can do away with his…
#4 Hail: Hail. Hail. All Hail A-Rod. (No.. not really.. not me.. not anyone). But the dude does hail himself pretty well. Moving on…
#3 Locusts: Flying grasshoppers… just about. Big, fatty bugs swarming and obscuring the view of the sun. Yeah… that would be the FAT FRICKIN FANS who clog up the aisles as I try to get to my seat. Seriously, can NBC go to a ballpark and cast for the next The Biggest Loser? Absolutely. My man on the street, Angry Ward has informed me that Pittsburgh has some of the fattest fans, tooling around on their Rascal Scooters, all Costanza style. But really, even Jason Alexander is on Jenny Craig.
#2 Death of the First Born: Horrible plague this one. How evil. How about… Hank Steinbrenner? I mean, I’m a Yankee fan and all… but what Frankenstein experiment gone awry was Hank? His brother didn’t fare too bad… but Hank? Yeesh.
#1 Darkness: A plague of darkness. How depressing. Will people ever see the light again? Will there be hope? Can you even see the dawn of a new day? Nope. Darkness. Alas… no. The Mets’ 2010 Season; How very appropriate.
That’s all for me folks. Opening Day at the Shea Shack next week and Yankee Stadium following. ‘A plague upon both your houses?’ I reply to the Bard, not a chance… not a chance.
Junior Blaber, tomorrow?
Alas, poor Yul. The Ten Plagues knew him well.