TOPSVILLE, USA – This week’s Angry Ward column was bit of a shocker. After all, who is better at spewing venom than Angry Ward? Yet he took a sharp left and went all mushy with a love letter to Ichiro Itchy Suzuki. And this during a week in which a lot of people proved to be better than what people expected… or not. Some strive to prove they are better than, and some things just can’t get better (contrary to the opinion of Howard Jones, who Time Warp Tony surely has jamming on his Walkman RIGHT NOW.) Ladies and Gentleman, with that I give you Cookie’s Better Than List:
NLeast: the Mets are currently BETTER THAN the Phillies and riding high in first place. If you’ve got a feeling you’re in a bizzaro world, don’t worry…it won’t last that long. With Jerry and Omar The Tent Maker still walking around like window-lickers, trust me…the end to this year’s Met season will be BETTER THAN last year’s only as a result of the head(s) that will roll. I feel confident that Jerry’s time will be up when the net comes down on this year’s Mets Trap.
CELEBS: They always do BETTER THAN us normal folk and are often interested in besting themselves and their fellow glitter people. This week, Kim Kardashian BESTED herself a month after dumping 2010 Super Bowl Champion Reggie Bush and scoring some major hand balls with futbol’s Christiano Ronaldo. For those of you not following the soccer, Ronaldo is a major soccer stud for Real Madrid and is also the captain for the Portuguese team. Super Bowl was MONTHS ago… Copa del Mundo is coming up. Ms. Kardashian had to go for the header here.
The door was only left open a crack before Christiano got there.
HOCKEY? For you fellas… Flyers or Bruins? Who’s BETTER THAN who? Well, all the teams left in the Stanley Cup Playoffs are better than the Devils…clearly. But who’s better than recently departed head coach, Jacques Lemaire?!? After his second stint at the helm, he decided to hang it up at the standard entry retirement age of sixty-five. His reason for not wanting to coach anymore? “I just don’t have it in me.” I defy you to find anything more honest and non-dramatic than that. And certainly, don’t look to boy-cried-wolf Brett Favre for it either. This is the latest statement about his last (?) season and the future from his Official Brett Favre website (a bookmarked favorite of Angry Ward’s): “Regardless of what the future holds, I want everyone to know that I will cherish the memories of the past year for the rest of my life.” Get the Kleenex ready.
WARREN’ ZEVON’s Werewolves of London was playing on the car radio – it’s the only radio I get to listen to these days – and I got to thinking; Songs don’t get better than this. What genius, or drug-induced state fueled these lyrics (perhaps the best ever), not to mention the inclusion of a place called Lee Ho Fook’s and Lon Chaney in a song:
“I saw a werewolf drinking a pina colada at Trader Vic’s, and his hair was perfect. BIP!”
PONIES, PONIES, PONIES!!! I loves me the horsies and tomorrow is the Kentucky Derby. The field of twenty is set with post positions drawn. Lookin’ At Lucky is the current favorite (3-1) but drew the #1 Post position…not good. A horse has not won from post 1 since 1986’s Ferdinand. (Time Warp Tony: You saw that horse most recently – how’d he look?) ANYWAY… Always in my bets – the filly. This year sees a promising filly in Devil May Care. Drawing post 11, she’ll be in the gates longer than most all the other horsies. But for my bets, there’s nothing BETTER THAN betting a filly. She’ll surely do better than Eight Belles (still crushing to think about) if she just comes out alive, but I think she’ll do better than that. And her jockey is wearing yellow silks with green stripes. Yellow is my son’s favorite color! How could I not bet her? With longer odds, I suggest you put her in your exotics. The girl is always the spoiler. You GO GIRL!
BASEBALL ANNOUNCERS: Good golly. What really sucks about being a Yankee fan is the announcers. If I watch on TV, I want to mute it, but turning on the radio is no good either. Lately I’ve found Ken Singleton to be BETTER THAN anyone else. He’s up in years and his unrelated, Alzheimer’s anecdotes at least distract from how horrible the others in the booth are. Al Leiter is an easy BETTER THAN Michael Kay, as his hard-on for the Yankees seems to have died down a bit lately. A SCREWDRIVER IN THE EAR ranks better than Suzyan Waldman and John Sterling only SLIGHTLY ranks BETTER THAN Michael Kay’s douchey-ness.
This year, Sterling has BESTED himself in horribly over-indulgent-queer-nickname incorporation in his calls, by topping the nails-on-chalkboard-esque “It’s Robbie Cano… Don’tchya knowww?!?!” And while I HATE him calling Jorge Posada Georgie, it does NOT get any worse than this:
I feel fairly confident that Sammy Davis Jr. is rolling over in his grave, while his glass eye is standing still.
You wanna talk about come backs? No, I’m not inserting an LL Cool J video in here…though if I ever feel the need to post pics of a bare chested dude, I’d help the ladies out with some LL. But… no. Instead, I’ll direct your attention to a come back BETTER THAN any Ali/Fraser, Immaculate Reception, Hand of God goal you can find. ROBERT DOWNEY JR. people. The guy started dabbling in drugs at the age of EIGHT – thanks to his addict father. After achieving stardom, he went heavy on the drugs with numerous arrests, trips to rehab, prison and the show Ally McBeal (akin to prison, really) from 1996-2001. Somehow, he’s beaten the odds, cleaned up his life and has made quite a career comeback with Iron Man, Sherlock Holmes, not to mention his role as a white man, cosmetically turned into a black man in Tropic Thunder.
Perhaps a cornerstone of his continuing sobriety? His involvement with a type of martial arts called Wing Chun. That’s right people…WING CHUN. Everybody have fun…everybody WING CHUN.
And that seems like a perfect note to leave it on for the weekend. Words to live by. Have fun. (Okay, okay… Here’s the right way) …Wang Chung.