SOUTH BEACH, FL – Hello gang it’s Larry King pinch hitting again on good ol’ Grote’s Gripes…Before we go any further I want to set the record straight on my divorce, it is in my contract with CNN that I must get divorced every time the Yankees win the World Series…Oddly enough Tiger Woods is obliged to screw a bimbo every time the Mets lose a game…My buddy Hugh Hefner has no problem getting twin sisters in the sack so why is everyone picking on me all of a sudden…

    Hugh Da Man

Hef’s advice to me was to cruise the bars with Ben Rothlisberger because that guy exudes class… I’m hoping to hear Big Ben Strike One, if you get my drift…Speaking of football, I might hit the old ‘hood in Brooklyn with my boy Antonio Cromartie looking for some home-girls to impregnate… I blame society for the fact that “Cro’ Daddy” can’t read, but then again neither can most Jets fans… Gary Coleman standing tall in his appearance on Divorce Court was so thrilling I decided it would be a hoot to appear myself, check your local listings…

What You Talkin’ About?

When all this divorce stuff is said and done I’ll be grateful to finally have time to be a contestant on the Celebrity Apprentice, or maybe face off against Betty White and Jerry Stiller on Dancing With The Senior Stars…No matter what happens to me from here forward I’ll always know I can get a sympathetic ear to go along with the best pastrami on rye from the boys down at Nate ‘n Al’s Deli… Upon hearing my wife was screwing our kid’s baseball coach my first reaction was thank goodness it wasn’t Jerry Manuel, that man looks like he does unspeakable things to women between the sheets… Joe Torre, now there’s a man who you can trust with your wife and sister-in-law… The last time I got divorced Jesse James was considered an outlaw not a NaziGrace Jones calling Lady Gaga “unoriginal” is nothing short of racism, pure and simple…

    A Diss-Grace

I didn’t want to write this column but that damn Icelandic Volcano canceled my flight to Amsterdam where I was planning on spending a fortnight in the red light district with Charles Barkley… Speaking of the volcano I haven’t seen something blowing as much black junk since I spotted Kim Kardashian backstage at the Essence Awards

That’s Some Ash

My good friend from South Beach Alex Rodriguez, is now officially dating Cameron Diaz, or as I like to call her Cameron Diez because she is a 10 in any language… A-Rod misses Joe Torre like I miss my seven previous ex-wives… I really hope my kids learn a lesson from their old man, that is if you are going to screw around on your wife do it with someone as hot as their aunt instead of someone as ugly as Steve Phillips intern…I don’t know about you but I commend Jerry Jones for his frank talk, that fat slob Bill Parcells and God-boy Tim Tebow had it coming to them…Thanks to all the well wishers out there in Meet-The-Matts Land, I’m sure you’ll find this column as riveting as the Pope finds his Mass in Malta

My wife Shawn used to brag that she was the only one of my wives to last into two digits, I guess she knows which two digits I’m holding up in her direction now…Angry Ward follows tomorrow…

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