SAN FRANCISCO, CA – Our newest columnist, Fake Sandy Alderson, is having some technical difficulties on a Padres vs Giants scouting mission. His people tell our people that his column in forthcoming but that the time zone thing and the absurdly tardy start to last night’s Mets/Braves adventure, will make for a Tardy Tuesday. Speaking of tardy, have you seen Vernon Wells’ swings lately? Here’s the pitch… the catcher has it… Vernon swings! Anyway, you get the picture; his tools have diminished, so he’s slow… With that lame segue, while we wait for Tardy Fake Sandy, let’s look at current players that have slowed down and should hang ’em up.
Ike Davis: Oh wait… He was sent down because he’s awful, not old.
Jason Bay: Angry Ward be damned, it’s time for this 16 Million Dollar Baby to shuffle off back to Moose Jaw, Canada. Although he’s matched last year’s homer total of 8 already, he’s hitting .222 and Ks once every 3 at bats.
Did we mention Ike Davis?
Alex Rodriguez: Just disappear like Mark McGwire – but do it while you’re active.
Brett Favre: He’s still trying to get on camera. His Packers pow-wow, as covered in Preacher’s Row, was as needy as his texting his junk. Leave us be, Brett. Resurface in 5 years and we’ll like you again.
Pedro Feliciano: We saw a blurb about his rehab stint with A-level St. Lucie where he was put on the DL with food-poisoning after eating some bad fish. Come on, Petey, we’ve all eaten some bad fish in our day. [Ahem]. You sure you didn’t get sick after watching video of your pitching? Chase it with a shot and man up.
That’s all for now. Look for Tardy Sandy Alderson within the hour…