American Hustle: A-Rod Gummie Roids, Chris Christie Hampers Mets

Sorry Ladies, He's a Married Man Now.
Sorry Ladies, He’s married.

We’re right around the one month mark until Pitchers and Catchers report to Spring Training.   What better time to take stock of where our locals are in terms of preparing their rosters for the 2014 season?  It was a Long December (Adam Duritz) as part of this little darling’s long cold lonely winter (Lennon & Matt McCarthy), but you can almost feel it coming back again (Live). Baseball is in the air now that we’re halfway to February.  With this in mind, let’s start with the Bronx Bombers & Gummie Roids.

Yanks GM Brian Cashman
Yanks GM Brian Cashman

I’m was going to try and make it through this without mentioning Alex Rodriguez’s 3 breasts, his backne or his gummy vitamins – which according to Tony Bosch – aren’t vitamins at all; but rather PEDs for kids! Flintstone’s Chewable Gummie soids…  Alex is quite the role model.  But I digress… The Yankees to this point have added some impressive bats to the lineup at Catcher, Center Field and Right Field/DH.  What they’ve not added at all is a decent starting pitcher. #1 Starter Hiroki Kuroda is 40 and showed signs of decline during the second half.  Nominal Ace CC Sabathia is clearly in decline – having logged a ton of innings over his career. After that, it’s Ivan Nova, who could win 17 games, or be toiling in Trenton by June… and David Phelps.  This is a rotation that is mediocre at best, particularly for a team that annually has aspirations of contending for a Championship.  This is not the Mets, where Colon-ian sized holes in the roster are a Sandy Alderson staple and Met fans expect nothing, These are the Yankees – and for them to head down to Tampa with this rotation as is??? Well, they’re not keeping up with the Red Sox, that’s for sure.

A-Rod Gummie Bears Meet_The_MattsAs far as the Mets go, where do we start? Let’s go to November 2010, when Sandy Alderson took the reins from Bernie Madoff and immediately announced that he and his team had a “Plan,” and their team would be doing things the “right way,” so that success could be sustainable and repeatable and not overly reliant on the free agent market.  Sandy even stated that it would be after the 2013 season that payroll would be more flexible, expandable, and the time when the Mets would no longer shop in the “fruits and nuts” section, as Scott Boras had remarked.  Sandy often mentioned payroll flexibility.  In fact he spoke of it as though that was actually the “end game” here. As though simply “having” this flexibility would make the Mets some sort of Actuarial Champs in the HR and Accounts Payable departments.  As Fake Sandy Alderson, I’ve dissected and analyzed over 90% of this incompetent buffoon’s statements over the past 4 years, and it is clear that he takes enormous pride in NOT spending.  THAT is…wait for it…The Plan.” (We’ll have a Podcast re the Mets on Thursday).

Mets Ace Bartolo Colon
Mets Ace Bartolo Colon

Need more proof that there was no “Plan.”

Sandy gave $20 Million Dollars to Manuel Noriega‘s troglodyte father, Bartolo Colon. $20M! I get that Sandy believes the Sun rises and sets in Oakland, California, but he really must expand the pool… Bartolo Colon’s BMI matches his age – around 43 or 44.  It was less than 18 months ago that Colon was suspended for PEDs. I’m guessing he wasn’t popping A-Rod’s Gummie Roids, but rather 5 Guys Roid Burgers one after another?

Now, I like Curtis Granderson as a player. The Mets simply did not – and still do not – have enough viable, certifiable Major League players, so adding Granderson at least adds one more… Chris Young was given over $7M for one year to provide Kirk Niewenhuis production from the right side. After that-absolutely nothing.

This was Sandy’s “Plan.”  An old fat PED user, a solid but very strikeout-prone Right Fielder, and a replacement-level Outfielder. THIS was the off-season that Pinocchio pointed to back in 2010 when he first came aboard.  THIS is what we’ve waited 4 years for. Huge holes remain at Short, Catcher, and most notably-at 1st Base, but we’ll cover that in the Podcast.

And speaking of guys who were not drafted by Sandy, Matt Harvey got into a Twitter spat with some Yokel Yankee fan. The exchange went on for a while, while Harvey and Anne V were soaking up the Sun in Thailand or something. The guy’s a brilliant Pitcher that we all love watching but am I maybe beginning to sense that he may have a screw or two loose when dealing with regular people and every day situations?

I don’t want to talk about pitching, or my arm, or Tommy John. I’m here to talk about Qualcomm.”

Hmm… A little weird. Little bit. Just sayin…

A man that has more than a screw loose but can deal with anyone and is fresh off a colonscopy, Angry Ward, tomorrow.

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About Fake Sandy Alderson 175 Articles
Big Al Sternberg/Fake Sandy Alderson is from a not-so-nice part of Queens. But through grit and elbow-grease finds himself living on Long Island with his bride and twin 12-year-old sons. He is a sports encyclopedia... and a loose cannon. In fact, Michael Baron of blocked him on Twitter. You can find The Blocked One's Tweets here: @AldersonFake