Is Matt Harvey a Jackass? Things He Must Do to be Jeter & Wright

Look at my wool hat. That usher just stole my money!
Look at my wool hat. That usher just stole my money!

NEW YORK, NY – There is likely overwhelming evidence that will easily refute my hypothesis but nevertheless, it does bear some closer examination: Is Matt Harvey a Jackass? More succinctly, could the Mets’ savior and supernova, upon whom the hopes of a dysfunctional and bankrupt franchise rests, be an a**hole?

In his defense, for a good portion of the roughly 2 years Matt Harvey has been in the Big Leagues, he’s done a fairly good job of emulating his idol Derek Jeter on the field and off… to some degree.

Captain America. Oh, how I wish I was him!
The Master

David Wright – and even Harvey himself (he’s still too young for QBMs – Quantifiable Babe Metrics) – have given Jeter a run for his money in the category of: I’d sell my soul to be him!  But while all three have dated super models and beautiful movie stars – Wright recently married his – Harvey doesn’t seem to have the off-field smarts or “Yiddishe Kopf” of Wright and Jeter, as  Brad Ausmus might suggest.

Wright has copied  Jeter The Master in never really saying anything quotable or memorable about anything at all. It’s why Jeter is universally beloved by even Mets and Red Sox fans. For nearly 20 years, he has shown few flaws or weaknesses and doesn’t incite the raw hatred generated by the megalomaniac Alex Rodriguez, the arrogant Barry Bonds or the sheer stupidity and phony outrage of Ryan Braun.  Wright, like Jeter has also carved out a fortune exceeding $100M by being a great player, as faces of not just their own franchise, but also MLB (according to the infantile MLB Network polling that gave voice to the quirky, smarter-than-everyone, Bay Area whack jobs who championed Eric Sogard for that title) and being remarkably clean and handsome to boot.

AnneVHarvey may one day approach the iconic status of the two veteran NY players but first, he’ll have to stop doing things like…

Getting into Twitter battles with Internet morons looking to piss him off by inciting him. Still mind-boggling that he engaged some Twitter follower for days before finally being told by team management to knock it off.

Sending Tweets to MLB ballplayers by mistake” in which he apologizes by saying he just “misses his Sweetie.” Creepy. Really creepy. Just ask Freddie Freeman.

Memorizing all 50 state capitals and then incessantly quizzing Tejada and Duda on them. Matty, Duda is American and not studying for his citizenship.

Bartolo Colon fat Latin guy Meet_The_Matts
Unrelated pic of random Fat Guy?

Shut the hell up about coming back from Tommy John surgery in the fastest amount of time ever.  In one of Real Sandy’s few lucid moments, he has acted in Harvey’s (and the team’s) best interests by telling Harvey not to rush his rehab, and that everyone wants him 100% for April 2015. We know how competitive you are. We know how mentally tough you are… great. Now shut up and spend the summer in Port St. Lucie and just go away for a year.  You don’t need to remind your followers on Twitter and Instagram that you’re anxious to get back and that the time away is just killing you.  And by the way, your new model girlfriend is no Anne V. In fact, your new girlfriend looks like a man.

Matt's new gal pal
Matt’s new gal pal

Donning Nazi paraphernalia and embarrassing the Royal Mum.

Going on Radio programs, especially those hosted by well-respected guys like Dan Patrick. I’m still cringing from listening to the most awkward interview of all time in which Harvey wouldn’t answer Patrick’s relevant queries about his surgery. Instead, he told Patrick and the world, that he was there to talk about “Qualcomm,” a wireless device manufacturer.

Appearing as though he’s pondering how to end the Russian invasion of the Ukraine or the cure for whatever the hell is now plastered liberally across Short Matt’s face and head.  You’re a Major League All-Star pitcher. You are already a millionaire with many more of those coming soon. Smile once in a while; look like you’re having fun, you Asperger-having d**che bag!

And speaking of guys for whom you’d sell your soul to be… Would you trade places, right now with no questions asked, to have the life of:

What a stud. We will miss him.
What a stud. We will miss him.

1) Derek Jeter
2) David Wright
3) Rusty Staub
4) Tom Brady
5) Bobcat Goldthwaite
6) Ted Mosby
7) Curtis Granderson
8) Short Matt
9) Cooper Manning
10) Suburban Matt

I personally would kill or die to be # 1, 3, 8, 10 -or tomorrow’s Master, Angry Ward – and experience how great each of his life must be.

From the Vault: Is it Tommy John Surgery or Shawn Hill Surgery?

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About Fake Sandy Alderson 175 Articles
Big Al Sternberg/Fake Sandy Alderson is from a not-so-nice part of Queens. But through grit and elbow-grease finds himself living on Long Island with his bride and twin 12-year-old sons. He is a sports encyclopedia... and a loose cannon. In fact, Michael Baron of blocked him on Twitter. You can find The Blocked One's Tweets here: @AldersonFake