POUGHKEEPSIE, NY – Earlier this week Angry Ward tickled the funny bone by ringing in the holiday season with yuletide song sports requests. Today, I’ll take a stab at a Christmas Sports Movies Redeux, rather than submit you all to my football picks that have been nothing short of dreadful the past two weeks. Check out The Gamblers Source for a winner or two (hopefully).
Bad Santa: There was a time when the Mets employed a pitcher by the name of Kris Benson and that period is believed to be shortened by his wife Anna during a team sponsored holiday event for children. Anna Claus apparently shopped at Adam & Eve or Toys In Babeland for her outfit as her “gifts” kept on giving to men but was inappropriate for the mostly juvenile audience.
Home Alone: For some NHL teams, the mumps have forced players homebound and to miss games out of precaution or a full-blown case of the virus. The illness has proved itself to be more relevant than McCauley Calkin.
Jingle All The Way: No need to go toy-hunting when your name is Giancarlo Stanton and you just signed the richest contract in sports history at 13 years and $325M. There’s enough loot to have Sinbad play his parties at the outfielder’s Florida compound.
A Christmas Story: Every lying sack of sh!t of baseball’s steroid era spin yarns of childhood Christmases. Narrated by Rafael Palmeiro who also translates for Sammy Sosa who still claims he doesn’t understand English.
Scrooged: It’s been thirty years since the Islanders won their last Stanley Cup and have only produced four 90+ point seasons since then. They are currently red-hot as they challenge for the top spot in the Eastern Conference just in time for the franchise’s move to Brooklyn in 2015-16 and beyond. Happy Holidays to Long Island natives who’ve supported the Isles all these years…you’ve been screw-ged.
Deck The Halls: Also known as A Ray Rice Christmas. ‘Nuff said.
The Nightmare Before Christmas: The 3-11 Jets and 5-9 Giants have combined to give area football fans of the two teams an 8-game and 7-game losing streak, respectively. Happy New Year to Jets and Giants fans and a better 2015!
Miracle On 34th Street: The New York Knicks. Make your own jokes.
Elf: Last week, Johnny Manziel showed how small he is on the football field in his first start and I don’t think this guy has what it takes to be a little big man in the NFL. Opposing defenses are spreading holiday cheer with money gestures after making plays on Johnny Foosball.
NFL PICKS: MIAMI-6 over Minnesota, HOUSTON +5 over Baltimore, HOU/Balt OVER 42, PITT/KC UNDER 48
Come back tomorrow for somebody who can pick his nose better than I can pick NFL games lately, DJ Eberle.