PORT ST. LUCIE – The Reporter walked into his closet and rubbed his hand on his chin. On his right was a row of blue blazers. On his left, orange. Today felt like a blue day, so he pieced it together with his Spongebob yellow tie and matching blue sunglasses. It promised to be a big day, rumors had swirled around camp that the Mets were sitting on a great new infield prospect with a name too good to be true, a chance for some brand synergy he’d been waiting all his life for. The kind that got him to jump into his car five days ago and drive straight down here from New York.
When he finally arrived, he waved his press credentials at the old grey haired security guy at the gate. “What’s that?” the man said as the reporter kept on going. “It says Rugby something or other…” The old man was sharp, but the car and the suit made the Reporter look like somebody important, like a bobble head designer or a slanket salesman pitching free give-away ideas. With a confident wave he disappeared around one of the buildings.
The Mets were already on the field playing the Yankees in a spring Sunday game, with Matt Harvey rounding into mid-season form and CC Sabathia’s form simply rounding, and the reporter slipped through into the clubhouse looking for the scoop. Most of the players were out on the field, but there was one still in here, sitting in a barcalounger facing the big TV on the wall. One of the NCAA tournament games was on, On the arm of the chair sat a cat. The player didn’t speak, but was making a lot of gestures with his hands before violently roaring and crumpling up a sheet of paper, hurling it at the screen. The cat looked like it was only shaking its head.
“I told you not to pick against Oklahoma just because of that frat thing,” the cat said, though the Reporter couldn’t hear. “And Wichita’s team are called the Shockers for a reason, because that’s the reaction when people learn that Wichita has a D-1 basketball team. There are reasons my sheet is still perfect and yours isn’t, and throwing a tantrum isn’t going to do anything about it.” The Reporter edged around the back, getting a better angle…whoever the player was, he was big. And hairy. Is this the new mascot? The cat pawed at a remote, and the screen switched to hockey. “Hey, when the Rangers beat Anaheim tonight they’ll be the top team in the NHL, who’d have thought that a couple months ago? What? You want to try hockey next? Didn’t you see that movie MVP: Most Valuable Primate? Well, maybe next time, we’re still living out Ed here.”
The Reporter could now see the cat’s conversation partner was a giant gorilla. “Hey fellas,” he said, clearing his throat to get their attention, “I’m hoping you could help me, I’m looking for a player to do a story on. It’ll be perfect for my site, the tie-in to this franchise I’ve been waiting for. His name is Steven Matz, and I’m hoping to do an article where we meet him. You know, Meet the Matz?” The two animals just stared at him for a minute, before the cat jumped down and pointed his paw at a piece in that morning’s paper. Matz had been demoted the day before. “Just great,” sighed the Reporter. “Now what am I going to write about?!” The Gorilla and the cat just stared back at him.
That’s our strory for today, please feel free to comment below and follow us on Twitter – @WestCoastCraig and @MeetTheMatts… and come back tomorrow for @AldersonFake – known here as Big Al Sternberg/Fake Sandy Alderson.