BRONX, NY – You know what’s fun? I mean besides running around an airport yelling “Serrano’s got the disks! Serrano’s got the disks!” at the top of your lungs? It’s the beginning of baseball season, that magical time of year when a single Opening Day win for your team can get you pumped way out of proportion and a loss by the Yankees can send you into Schadenfreude overdrive. I’m serious, moments after the Mets beat the Nationals on Monday, Tall Matt posted “Going 162-0 this year” on his FB page and a fan at The House that Greed Built treated us to one of the all-time worst attempts at throwing a home run back onto the field. These are the salad days. Let’s take a moment to enjoy.
Big Fat Man Has Big Fat Heart. Bartolo Colon is 1-0, after defeating the mighty Max Scherzer of the unbeatable Washington Nationals. Colon was to be nothing more than the Mets’ opening day sacrificial swine, but the 41-year-old innings-eater instead chewed the Nats up and spit ’em out. (A new diet?) Anyway, he’s clearly well on his way to 20-plus wins. Barring that, 20-plus wings.
Chicago Old Style. The big report from the season-opener at Wrigley Field on Sunday night was that bathroom conditions inside the grand old stadium were so bad that Cubs fans were forced to relieve themselves into cups and onto walls and in their pants. They have a name for this sort of thing in Philadelphia: Tuesday. All I can say is thank heavens Ernie Banks wasn’t around to say: “Let’s play two.”
Ovation for A-Rod. In one of the real feel-good stories of opening day, Yankees fans welcomed lying sack of sh!t Alex Rodriguez back with the same warmth and forgiveness that they welcome back all of their lying sacks of sh!t. After the Bomber faithful (faithful so long as they’re winning) showered Rodriguez with cheers, starter Masahiro Tanaka treated the Toronto Blue Jays to a little soft-toss batting practice. It was nothing but smiles and sunshine and, most likely, Roger Clemens speed-dialing Brian Cashman from Bumf***, Texas. Yep, being a Yankee is never having to say you’re sorry. It’s all about sticking around long enough for the current club to suck and your old transgressions to be viewed as “the good old days.”
Wait Till Next Year. It’s never too early to start toe-tagging baseball teams that have absolutely no shot. So, see ya later Milwaukee Brewers. You just don’t recover from losing your home opener 10-0 to the Colorado Rockies. What’s ailing you guys looks terminal. Your organs may not even be worth harvesting. Same goes for you, Texas Rangers. Getting one-hit by the A’s is one thing, but giving up eight runs to that offense is another. The A’s starting lineup, as always, reads like some sort of witness protection pseudonym list. Finally, after losing at home to the Red Sox 8-0, it looks like Phillies fans can spend the rest of their spring and summer hating Chip Kelly and painting their houses. Speaking of painting their houses…
That’s all for today. I don’t want to write or say anything that can possibly upset the perfect balance that’s been achieved in these first few precious days. Come back tomorrow for MTM’s Ring Lardner, Grinding Ax Walter Hynes.