FRANKFORT, KY – The utter hilarity offered by today’s top sports stories is hard to match. You can’t make this stuff up. From tankers to serial winners to the Giants’ latest flop. Just look at what’s going on!
Eli Manning, Hair Club for Men Offensive Coordinator Ben McAdoo, and the New York Football Giants were off for 2 weeks before facing the Washington Redskins on Sunday.
Sy Sperling… er, McAdoo, game-planned so thoroughly for the game against the Skins, that he forgot to include any plays that might result in points for Big Blue.
The Miami Marlins are usually best known for their endearing treatment of their fan (singular), and the Dade County taxpayers who covered the bill for The House That Jeffrey Loria Built. Talk about a lovable old curmudgeon! And because he’s such an old softie and all sentimental, he is offering a coaching position to none other than baseball’s all time Home Run King… Barry Bonds! Yep, in what promises to be the feel good story of the decade, Barry Bonds will be donning the historic and storied uniform of the Florida/Miami Marlins. His exact position has yet to be announced but I’m guessing his down to earth and approachable personality will be featured prominently by the Marlins.
I know we’re not supposed to be paying attention to the NBA yet, but there are a couple of story lines worth following. Angry Ward‘s Champion Golden State Warriors have not missed a beat at the start of this basketball season. Somehow, Stephen Curry has gotten better and that means the Warriors have too. After beating Utah last night, the Champs are now 19-0. 19-0! The Knicks won 17 the whole year last season!
The Philadelphia 76ers are now 0-18. One of the more under-reported stories in all of sports has been the tanking of the Sixer franchise, led by advanced stat guy, Sam Hinkie, their GM. The Sixers are the most blatant tankers since the Black Sox in 1919. The league has sat idly while this Hinkie genius assembles the biggest collection of crap year after year with no sign of improvement at all. Hinkie, the leader of the Basketball “SABR” kind of philosophy now infecting the NBA (as it continues to do to MLB) is playing roulette annually by compiling draft picks and D-Leaguers. He’s hoping that one of these years, he’ll snag a generational kind of player that immediately makes the Sixers matter. I’m not sure Commissioner Adam Silver is doing enough to ensure that one of his teams at least tries to be competitive.
And then there was one! Strong Armed 6’8″ Denver QB Brock Osweiler slew the undefeated Patriots and Tom Brady in a way that ancient Peyton Manning could not. The end is here for the great Manning, but thanks to right wing nut job Papa John, we’ll be seeing plenty of Eli’s less accomplished big brother.
The loss means the Carolina Footballl Panthers – led by Cam Newton and defensive POY Luke Keuchly, remain the only NFL team without a loss.
Come back tomorrow for a guy who’s never at a loss for anything, Pulitzer prize winning Angry Ward!