BRONX, NY – Black Friday is history. Cyber Monday is a goner too. It’s time for the latest and greatest made-up holiday sales event. I’m talking, of course, about “Angry Ward Wants It Wednesday!” Here’s a heavily-edited list of all of those sports-related things I want, want, want this Christmas! Pay attention, dammit!
Rock’em Sock’em NFL Players. This classic piece of Mattel plastic needs an update. I say we turn the retro pugilistic robots into NFL football players, who currently seem to be taking more of a beating than those who still participate in the sweet science. To make it even more NFL-believable, maybe even include round-by-round concussion protocol and low blow technology. Clueless ref not included.
Yutzee. Roll the dice with Major League Baseball’s most incompetent owners, Fred and Jeff Wilpon. Try in vain to find those winning combinations, only to end up snake-eyes and snakebit with Michael Cuddyer and Bobby Parnell. Fun for the whole family! *Chances of winning one in a thousand.
Derrick Rose Operation. Hours of fun for kids from one to 92. Perform various medical procedures on the NBA’s most precious point guard, but just don’t try to remove his funny bone, which is the only thing he has yest to break. Brought to you by Milton Bradley… yes, the insane ex-baseball player.
Emmitt Smith Speak & Spell. Also known as the “Malaprop Wizard,” the Emmitt Smith Speak & Spell is the perfect gift for that man or woman in your life who struggles to understand the ex-jocks on NFL pregame shows.
Bubble Hockey. No, this one’s legit, I’ve always wanted to own this arcade game classic. What other game plays “The National Anthem” before it starts? I always wondered if there were Canadian versions that played “Oh Canada.” Anyway, I don’t have room for it, but I’ll make room.
Etch a Courtroom Sketch. Hours upon hours of hilarity at the expense of Tom Brady and dozens of other sports figures locked in legal proceedings.
Cromartie Patch Kids. These delightful dolls modeled after New York Jets cornerback Antonio Cromartie’s growing brood are all unique and have their own names. But, if you forget their names, just make one up, like Antonio does.
Meet The Matts Action Figures. All of your favorites are here, including: Fake Sandy Alderson featuring a new, hyper-critical 2016 software upgrade; CheesyBruin fish-out-of water Jersey edition; Married Junoir Blaber???; Angry Ward sixth-edition figure with carpal tunnel grip; Grinding Ax Walter Short Matt-insult-generator; West Coast Craig EZ Bake Oven; DJ Eberle hot-take manchild; Short and Tall Matt thing with two heads and one bad suit. JG Clancy, Fluffy the Narwahl, and other action figures sold separately.
Come back tomorrow for Grinding Ax Walter Hynes!