By Tall Matt & Replacement Matt
NEW YORK, NY – In the spirit of recent plagiarism, we’ll abscond with this familiar line from the 2008 South Park episode titled “Canada on Strike.” The question this phrase begs is “Are we really all Short Matt’s friends?” Can we put up with being called “guy” incessantly? We have all experienced the Short One’s proclivity to begin sentences addressing us with the“guy” and or ending them with the “friend.” But we contend that rather than being affectionate, they are either veiled, condescending terms or sentence entry vehicles, imploring one of us to assist in some endeavor.
Let’s take “guy” first. Many of us have been told, “Guy, you know nothing about sports,” or have heard the “guy” spoken with the high intonation question mark attached. Our “buddy” Matt is a natural wiseacre and part and parcel with that is his penchant for knowing the right way to do something. Replacement Matt has taken to answering all calls from Short Matt with a preemptive onslaught of “Guy! Guy? Guuuuy!?” We recommend you all do the same. Immediately. Guy, check your grammar on that article, guy. A sidebar to “guy” is the term “chief,” not frequently in Short Matt’s lexicon but it might as well be.
Friend. Friend. Friend, can you pinch-hit on Friday with a column? “Friend” is the softener that opens an appeal, which will most certainly contain unnecessary verbiage. “Friend, you have to wear the suit.” “Friend, how do you get to Dobbs Ferry?” On the surface, this is affable term of endearment. But just try saying a sample sentence to yourself. You hear that? “Friend” means anything but, it might as well be said with the inflection of an East Indian cab driver- “my friend, why you don’t pay me?” “My friend there is traffic on the bridge.” Short Matt must immediately add “my” to his friend requests and speak like Apu on The Simpsons. It is decreed.
Timing is key to “friend” as well, and it is unfailingly bad. Recently Angry Ward and Tall Matt were encouraged to attend a rugby match at Baker Field two hours before kick off (do you kick off in rugby?). Replacement Matt was notified about a Shasky ballgame in Brooklyn in the 2nd inning simply because he calls that borough home. Geography is not one of our “friend’s” strong suits. In the case of this post however, credit where credit is due. The Short Guy did give us 4 days warning for the request to contribute. Kudos GUY, you’re still our FRIEND.
Friends… What does this have to do with sports? Nothing at all… guys!