Angry Ward Wednesday: Gridiron Soylent Green, NFL Week 1 Takeaways for Stupid NFL Fans

NEW YORK, NY – Tomorrow marks the start of another NFL season. Finally, the year-round hype can end and, instead, we can all fall all over each other gobbling up endless recaps, injury reports, power rankings, and all manner of useless analysis. It’s f**king mind-numbing, but we are too far gone to turn away. With that in mind, here’s a look at this week’s games, with a quick takeaway for each, sure to ratchet up your enjoyment. Consider it yet more Gridiron Soylent Green for the vacant pigskin masses.

Kansas City @ New England. Thursday Night Football is garbage. Starting the season on a Thursday is rancid, piss-soaked garbage. Tune in to see Rob Gronkowski continue is quest to donate his body to science… one piece at a time.

New York Jets @ Buffalo. This game is the closest thing the NFL has to waterboarding. You’ll have more fun hooking your nuts up to a car battery.

Atlanta @ Chicago. New Yorkers spend so much time hating on Chicago’s deep dish style pizza (which can actually be pretty damn good) that they lose sight of just how bad Chicago Hot Dogs are. You do not put salad on a hot dog!

Baltimore @ Cincinnati. Old Ravens running back Ray Rice cold-cocked his fiancee in a casino elevator, while new Bengals running back Joe Mixon punched a woman in the face in a sandwich shop. Old Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis most likely helped kill someone, while new Bengals linebacker Vontaze Burfict will most likely kill someone on a football field one day. Slight edge to the Bengals here at home, where they know how to cover their tracks better.

Pittsburgh @ Cleveland. Let the battle of obese cities begin!

Arizona @ Detroit. Arizona coach Bruce Arians and Detroit coach Jim Caldwell look like two guys running for president of an assisted-living community.

Jacksonville @ Houston. Throughout the horror that was Hurricane Harvey, people from Houston have been keeping an even keel by repeating the mantra: “At least we’re not in Jacksonville.”

Tampa Bay @ Miami. There’s nothing quite like taking all of the “couldn’t give a sh!t” sports fans and cramming them into one alligator-infested, cartoon-nightmare, hanging-chad of a state.

Oakland @ Tennessee. I’m more worried about my kid seeing a photo of creepy Raiders owner Mark Davis than I am of her seeing the trailer for Stephen King’sIt.”

Philadelphia @ Washington. Nothing but breezy good feelings and hearty slaps on the back between these two fanbases. This is a good game to go to if you feel like having someone vomit on you or just enjoy watching people drive drunk.

Adrian Peterson,

Indianapolis @ Los Angeles Rams. I personally hate that the stupid Chargers now make me have to qualify which LA-based NFL team I’m talking about. Colts QB Andrew Luck looks like something that crawled out of the La Brea Tar Pits.

Seattle @ Green Bay. Let’s count how many times we can hear football pundits say, “This could be a preview of the NFC Championship Game.

Carolina @ San Francisco. Big home field edge for the Niners, as Carolina fans won’t travel to any city with transgender restrooms.

New York @ Dallas. It’s Football Night in America! Witness some truly American things like Eli Manning breathing through his mouth, rednecks getting a h@rd-on for a white guy named Cole Beasley, and Chris Christie giving Jerry Jones a lap dance at halftime.

New Orleans @ Minnesota. The first of two Monday Night games, because one sh!tty game isn’t nearly enough. I fully expect Adrian Peterson to fumble at some point during this game. You can bet he wants to beat the Vikes like they were his kid.

Los Angeles Chargers @ Denver Broncos. For field goal lovers only.

That’s all for this week. Come on back tomorrow for the smooth grooves of Buddy Diaz.

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About Angry Ward 751 Articles
Angry Ward, who has admirers at the New York Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but for one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way Nancy Pelosi embraces Mitch McConnell at charity events. And while his Vikings only tease him with success, his Golden State Warriors actually win these days. A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, "The Franchise." (Junoir Blaber disputes this). Vent, curse and giggle with him on Angry Ward Wednesdays.