NEW YORK, NY – I didn’t want to be the guy to do this, but I’ve resigned myself to the fact that it almost certainly falls under my tattered umbrella of responsibilities. What follows is a less-than-comprehensive oral history of this… this… whatever you want to call this thing here. I’ve been around this site way too long and I’ll probably be here when they turn out the lights. Most of what follows here easily could have been said by the people who I am saying are saying it. And so it begins.
Short Matt. The New York City Marshals had just padlocked my apartment for the third time in less than a year for failure to pay rent. I thought starting a sports humor website centered around the New York Mets and fronted by two middle-aged bald guys would be a good way to dig myself out financially.
Tall Matt. He talked me into wearing a ridiculous suit and going to games with him and writing for his site. It goes without saying that I had a pretty bad drinking problem back then.
West Coast Craig. I met Short Matt in Los Angeles, before Hollywood crushed what was left of his spirit and ran him out of town. We played baseball together. But, mostly, he never shut the f**k up.
Replacement Matt. He got me to wear that f**king clown suit, and to shoot video for him. I clearly wasn’t in my right mind
Different Matt. Short Matt told me I’d be like the “Jackie Robinson of MTM,” then he goes and calls me Different Matt… y’know, because I’m black. I’d criticize him, but this is the kind of “humor” that got Peter Farrelly an Oscar.
Rex O’Rourke. It wasn’t what I thought it was going to be. And I never thought it was going to be pleasant.
Lori Levine. I had some kicks writing for the site. Had some fans too, albeit the kind of fans who like breathing heavy into telephones.
Public Professor. I thought writing for Meet The Matts would help drive some traffic to my own website. It did not.
Cheesy Bruin. I was in the hospital recovering from a second cancer surgery. I was supposed to be there several more days for recovery, but then The Matts came to visit me, and the hospital expedited my discharge.
Grote2DMax. I had a short but successful run… if you can actually measure success on something so unsuccessful. I got off some decent jokes and did a recurring bit as Larry King, which I enjoyed.
Cookie. I was told to try to keep my comments positive. Let me think. OK, got it. My relationship with Meet The Matts isn’t the worst relationship I was ever in.
JGClancy. The middle “t” in *MTM MUST be lower case. *Corrected by MTM Edit Staff
Angry Ward. I never wanted the name “Angry Ward.” It was assigned. Turned out to be a blessing, because it’s kept me mostly anonymous. The lack of readers hasn’t hurt either.
Jillian “YaMotha” Brooks. I wasn’t on the site long. Also, no one told me to spell it “Ya Mutha” instead of “Ya Motha,” which might have been nice.
Junoir Blaber. I went from El Barrio to Buffalo… so nothing here scares me.
WCC. LA got really great when Short Matt left. I’m just sayin’. Also, he convinced me to work for him. I’m fairly sure I was stoned at the time.
Big Ben Whitney. Writing for this site is like screaming down a long empty hallway.
DJ Eberle. I’m DJ Eberle.
TM. I wanted to work blue. Short Matt said “no.” So I told him to take his f**king stupid suit and shove it up his f**king ass and I never looked back. We’re getting along better now than we ever have.
Buddy Diaz. I don’t know whose place I took on the writing staff. There’s more turnover here than at IHOP.
ROR. I didn’t stick around too long. I think they replaced me with Jillian Brooks or that kid from Buffalo who’s always on vacation.
Ken Belson. The legal department at the New York Times has strongly suggested that I don’t cooperate with this piece. This time, I’m going to listen to them.
Cam James. Yeah, I worked there for a while. It was something of a botched hostage situation, with no real plan or demands or way out. Thank God Stockholm Syndrome never developed. I live in Denver now.
Dr. Diz. There was a lot of neediness. Short Matt wants things “just so.” He’s like the nightmare second ex-wife I never had.
Grinding Ax. You think it’s tough working for him? Try being related to him!
SM. If I learned anything from YouTube video I watched about running your own sports website, it’s that you must never lose control of your writers. Unfortunately, things happened.
Part II of The Oral History of Meet the Matts continues next week, as tempers flare, hot takes fly, and Sam’s-a-Fan turns into a Narwhal.
In the meantime, come back tomorrow for the Claude Rains of MTM, DJ Eberle.