ST LOUIS, MO – Ne’er has there been a more apropos moment in MTM history than a pinch-hit juxtaposed to Angry Ward’s closing words yesterday. Buddy Diaz may not be dead but he certainly should wish he is, considering that the long arm of the MTM governing body’s infinite reach is unending. Praise be… I am the handmaid of the day. Blessed be my fruitful column.
If there is one thing that Short Matt wasn’t short on when he called me at work and goaded me into this tomfoolery, it was misplaced excitement for the Mets. All over NYC there are lovable dolts like our fearless commander who are suddenly exuberant about a group of players that have less of a chance of getting up for a real game than a certain politician’s “huge” member. It just so happens that the gravy train is over – exactly as of today. Beating up on the doormats of baseball (Marlins, Pirates, Sox, Heavenly Fathers) ended last night and so did the Mets season.
The upcoming schedule is a brutal stretch, of which, only one series faces an opponent with a losing record and the rest are mostly division games. In my mind, I imagine some masochistic member of the Mets organization paid off the scheduling dept to create late season excitement that they knew wouldn’t hold until September by giving a cupcake end of July.
Much like all good summer flings, August is the time where awkward conversations happen and hearts are broken right before returning to university and/or your parents couch. To that end, I have a feeling the Mets have been brushing up on their Paul Simon and are currently planning 50 Ways To Leave Their Loving Fans in a Flushing toilet of hell.
Mickey Callaway will most definitely be slipping out the back. God love him, he won’t need a shepherd’s hook to take him offstage after the Mets lose 20 of the next 27.
Noah Syndergaard will be making a new plan. As soon as the unrealistic playoff hopes are squashed in a couple of weeks he will probably start posting his resume on social media and miss a start of three with “elbow tendonitis” while he waits to be shipped out.
You don’t need to be coy, Chili Davis. Oh, and he won’t. When fired from the Cubs last year, he was very quick to blame the millennial players for his lack of performance and he, as I paraphrase, expressed that he should be careful and know a clubhouse before accepting his next job… You chose the Mets? Sounds like the only job offer to me. Chili will be the spicy hawt take of the year for a crumbling Mets season.
Hop on the bus, Jacob DeGrom. Come to St. Louis where your arm isn’t being wasted on a lineup containing Juan Lagares.
Just drop off the key, Fred Wilpon. No seriously. Sell the team. That would be the lone glimmer of hope for the franchise.
And to all you Mets fans out there, just get yourself free…. until this cycle repeats itself during football season because the Jets and Giants are going to be awful.
That’s all for now. Comment below and come back tomorrow for Art Garfunkel’s personal assistant, Replacement Matt.
