Angry Ward Wednesday: Back to School and Back to Football

BRONX, NY – Today is September 4th. I’m not gonna hit you with one of those “where did summer go?” platitudes, because I kinda know where it went. Here’s a general recap. School’s out!, Women’s World Cup, Swimming, More swimming, Rum drink, Rum drink, Rum drink, Pete Alonso!, Travel, Travel, Travel, Mets suck, Damn Yankees, Rum drink, Holy crap, the Mets might be good!, NFL preseason, Yawn, Beer, More Beer, Mets get swept, Efffin’ Yankees, Mets get swept again, Swimming, Fantasy draft, Belch, Mets might be good again?, Bourbon, Wilson Ramos has a 25-game hitting streak?, Labor Day, Bourbon, 26-game hitting streak?, Mets sh!t the bed in DC… and here we are.

Back to School and Football.

Anyway, most kids are either back in school already, going back today (like mine), or starting dead last, tomorrow, like all good NYC public school kids do. Tomorrow also kicks off the 2019 NFL season, as the Bears will once again do their best to cripple Aaron Rodgers and miss a bunch of field goals. It should be an interesting year for kids and football players alike, as they do their best to navigate some of the same choppy waters.

Supplies. One of the biggest pains in the a$$ for parents this time of year is collecting metric tons of school supplies for their kids and then having to get them to school without the aid of a forklift. It would come as no supplies if neither the Jets or Giants made the playoffs this year.

Substitute Teachers. There’s nothing quite so erratic and entertaining as when a substitute teacher takes over your class. All bets are off. The best is filling the passed around attendance sheet with classic fake names like Mike Hunt and Anita Joint. Backup quarterbacks in the NFL are equally weird, and feature less-than-household names. I see the Colts brought in Brian Hoyer to back up Jacoby Brissett… so, a sub to back up a sub. Sounds like a winning formula. And Colin Kaepernick, who got a degree in Super Bowl, still sits unemployed.

Fire Drill. Ah, the good old days when the only thing you had to worry about in schools was a potential fire. Fire Drills, like any other reason to get out of the class and get outside, were great. The following NFL teams will be running fire drills in preparation for firing their head coaches. Washington Redskins (always), Dallas Cowboys (way overdue), Carolina Panthers (same), Atlanta Falcons, as well as Cleveland and Arizona, both with new coaches destined for the dump.

Pop Quiz. The worst. Why must teachers check to make sure you’re reading the material when they know and you know that you’ll read it all at once, the night before the actual test. So-called “Concussion Protocol” is the NFL’s version of the Pop Quiz. A guy gets popped, they take him under a sheet and ask him if he’s ok, he says “yes,” and he’s cleared to play. Much easier to pass than a quiz on Chaucer’s The Canterbury Tales, which I once got popped on.

Permission Slip. Back in the day you needed your parents to sign a permission slip in order for you to go on any class trip, and all these years later, the process has not changed one bit. In the NFL you now need a permission slip from Roger Goodell to hit Tom Brady. And, you know what? He ain’t signing that thing. But that shouldn’t stop you. Be a punk and hit him anyway.

I’m out for today. Come back tomorrow for Buddy Diaz who once had perfect attendance… at attending Menudo concerts.

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About Angry Ward 673 Articles
Angry Ward, who has admirers at the New York Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but for one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way Nancy Pelosi embraces Mitch McConnell at charity events. And while his Vikings only tease him with success, his Golden State Warriors actually win these days. A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, "The Franchise." (Junoir Blaber disputes this). Vent, curse and giggle with him on Angry Ward Wednesdays.