NEW PESTILENCE, NJ – Happy Friday everyone, in The Land That Time Forgot. Days of the week mean nothing while sitting home for the umpteenth day running home school and wondering if everything you experience is a symptom of the bug. But enough about that noise, let’s talk about the world we wished we still had; one with distractions. You know, blindly following our teams into the abyss and have something else to talk/whine about rather than new tips on how to sterilize anything that enters into your home.
What is next? Our esteemed colleague Buddy Diaz discussed options to have shortened pro sports seasons yesterday. Well, I have some ideas on how they can come back immediately:
MLB
Start the season in Florida! Since the governor has decided everything’s cool there and hasn’t restricted a thing, just play one more week of Spring Training games and rollout the regular season at Grapefruit League sites until all is clear. This can’t possibly spread the King of Corona any more than what is happening anywhere in that state.
Since baseball is now laden with the stink of cheat (just embrace it or lean into it as the kids say), let’s bring back good old fashion cheating- through drugs. You wanna see how HGH will help you out? This is the year to do it! Pop some greenies every day you’re in a contract year. What could go wrong? Alex Rodriguez and Barry Bonds will be appointed Commissioners of Baseball Chemistry promptly. Then they can jam as many games in as possible in July & August… as many as they need.
NHL
The NHL should just start playing again immediately – just hold all the games on some pond in Yellowknife. Have a team of mounties fire live rounds at anyone who gets too close to one another. No problems, eh? Since they are now re-purposing hockey shields as surgical masks, I say we just put all the players in Darth Vader style respirator suits and have at it. I don’t see any issues here.
The NBA should all just play immediately as well in Zorbing style bubble wrap. LeBron James recently said he’s done high-fiving when the NBA returns, so this seems a natural progression. We can make it spring loaded and ooze Purell for some great action diving for loose balls and rebounds. Again, I don’t see how this isn’t implemented tomorrow.
And of course I would be remiss not to mention the mighty Thor himself. Noah Sydergaard managed to require Tommy John surgery when he wasn’t even playing baseball. Unreal. Met fans get salt poured on their wounds when no sports are happening at all.
Well that’s it for now, come back tomorrow for patient zero and the man who has all the toilet paper, Short Matt. See ya at the death panels!
