NOTE: The Coronavirus is NOT something Mets fans have been suffering with, like Bell’s Palsy, for all but two year years of the team’s existence.
CORONA [QUEENS], NY – The planets are all aligning, Ladies and Germs. (Too soon for Coronavirus jokes?) Further, via Scientific Method we are able to predict/hypothesize with 93.6% accuracy the following equation:
Inevitability + Circumstance + Chance + Karma = Mets Winning World Series
“Bunk,” you say? Well let’s not simply rely on tried and true, lab-tested formulas – like President Trump’s deduction that “there will be less cases” of Swine Flu Deux tomorrow and that the “warm April” will see it’s full demise… No. Let’s get to facts behind today’s lesson in logic for: Why The Mets Will Win The World Series, Part II.
Yankees Will Lose Because of Joe Biden
Spending as little as 6% of a relatively paltry campaign war-chest didn’t keep Scranton Joe from kicking Boston Mike’s a$$ on Super Tuesday. In fact, only rugby fans voted for Bloomberg, as American Samoa was his lone victory. What does this mean? It means that President-Elect Biden will be welcoming the Mets to the White House in November (crow-eating Yankee fan Trump will still be there). Spending doesn’t matter, CASHMAN. Just ask Broke Joe. The $tanks are the Bloomberg of Major League Baseball.
Goose Gossage Cooks Bombers… Goose.
Richard Michael “Goose” Gossage blessed us with his latest yearly dose of Goose Sh!t with this gem,
“These (stat-driven) workouts are all eyewash. It’s a bunch of bulls–t. It’s like the Democrats are running baseball. They’re trying to control something that is uncontrollable.”
Like David Cone’s dopey rattling of the Dodgers in the 1988 NLCS, Gossage has guaranteed that the Bronx Big Mouths will lose this year. How many Major League Baseball players are Democrats? The majority. By far. Hell, there but five Republicans in the Bronx and they’re all in the the Yankee front office. You want to talk chin music? Only the Astros will get hit more than the the Stinkees after this “nail-in-the-coffin” proclamation. Dick Gossage may have set the Evil Empire back years. Talk about uncontrollable!
Tim Tebow
In a sign that things are eerily going well, the Mets actually did the right thing, on so many levels. They CUT Tim Tebow. Moreover, they did so knowing that the inexplicably robust sale of Tebow merchandise may now see a decline. But we are talking Florida here, so who can know what those sun-baked, bat-sh!t crazies will do. But Sweet Baby Jesus, they have never cut him this early. Think about that last line. How many springs have we had this polarizing pontif-esque figure Tebowing us? And let’s not bring up how many other players have NOT gotten a chance in the years Timmy T has been invited to camp. If there was ONE, it was too many.
The planets are aligning. #LGM
Speaking of spinning spheres, don’t miss tomorrow’s latest from Cheesy Bruin, who thinks bat soup is “The next big thing.”
