CONEY ISLAND, NY – With the annual Nathan’s Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest creating a buzz for needy, sports-deprived suckers everywhere, there’s a lot to cover! Let’s get to today’s headline: Trout Not Hooked, Trump Guilfoyle’d, Gundy Eats A Million Wieners…
Trout Not Hooked
Ruh-roh. The Trout(s) are spawning and the papa is wiggling on the hook. Now that our fishing puns have all you anglers reeled in (they keep coming), MLB’s biggest fish, Michael Nelson Trout, is not finding the prospect of exposing his pregnant missus to #Covid19 a-luring. The prospect of the America’s Greatest Baseball Player not partaking in this M.A.S.H. Unit Baseball version of America’s pastime leaves us all waiting with… baited breath.
Since that likely flopped, let’s row over to our next topic…
Trump Guilfoyle’d
With Joey Chestnut’s name being bandied about more than POTUS Trump’s future ex daughter-in-law’s, Kimberly Guilfoyle, or that of fellow headliner Mike Trout, topics and people can get tangled very quickly – and understandably so. And really, when you hear “Trump” and “girlfriend” in the same sentence, nobody would raise an eyebrow if you thought the reference was re the President, not Donald J. Trump Jr… But wait, there’s more! See, the 42 year-old Trump Jr. is now dating the 51 year-old former FOX “The Five” co-host after dumping the mother of his 5 kids, including Trump III, in 2018. The ageists among you are asking why a younger man would date an older woman. Your close-mindedness aside, think about these facts:
- Guilfoyle was married to current California Governor Gavin Newsom, a Democrat. Trump Jr banging this former attorney’s gavel is another twisted way for the Trump clan to win – to [Guil] foyle a rival.
- Guilfoyle has FOX connections. You may not know this but FOX tends to support the Republican party more than that of the Democrats. It does. A bit.
- Guilfoyle and Joey Chestnut popped up in the news cycle at the same time, with no sports going on. Coincidence? No. This is more entertainment biz savvy from the White House to grab attention with hot dog-eating fishermen. NASCAR is listening. (More non-sports things being rammed down our throats like a 75th Nathan’s frankfurter).
- Guilfoyle has now tested positive for the Coronavirus and is by all alleged accounts deemed a necessary and expendable guinea pig by POTUS. They’re figuring out the positive spin for the next Oklahoma rally now.
Before we continue, Sports Fans, MTM Management would like to send a hearty thanks to Stretch Armstrong for lending his powers of “stretching it” during this sports void crisis… Now back to our show.
Speaking of hot dogs and big wieners…
Mike Gundy Eats a Million
Gosh, golly dagnabbit! You wear one lousy t-shirt and it costs you $1,000,000.00 in salary, a year off your contract and a new Covid-19 clause. This came after an internal investigation by Oklahoma State brass of their good ol’ boy coach, Michael Ray Gundy. The cuts and restructuring are being ballyhooed by some, as they were suggested by Gundy in an act of commitment to change. But really, wouldn’t any of us trade in part of a still-lucrative deal and throw in the necessary lip-service to keep our cushy job? Heck, I do that every day (minus the lucrative part). Rumors that OAN offered Gundy a 3-year deal still linger, however, as we have no interest in vetting them. Way to go, Mike. You’re a great American. #GoPokesYourFriends
Segue to…
Happy Birthday, America. Don’t blow any fingers off and stop #FatteningTheCurve (TM). Before either of that happens, comment below and come back tomorrow for Cheesy Bruin, a man who eats firecrackers for breakfast.
