Angry Ward: Jake’s Try for Third Cy, Saquon Barkley Gets Battered, and Ben Roethlisberger Finds Jesus

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BRONX, NY – Today I’ve decided to kinda ping pong around and talk about a few different things, rather than laser-focusing my rage on something obvious like Kirk “F**king” Cousins or the latest foibles of New York’s 9-foot Monster Mayor. Even I can sometimes use a respite from the 24/7/365 rage-a-thon. So, let’s throw it into neutral, cue up some Yacht Rock, and steal away into the world of sports.

Another Cy Young for Jacob deGrom? I just finished reading a piece that was about what’s seen as a 3-horse race for this year’s NL Cy Young Award. I haven’t been paying too close attention, but apparently it’s between the CubsYu Darvish, Trevor Bauer of the Reds, and Jacob deGrom of everyone’s favorite, New York Mets. Anyway, they got quotes from anonymous Execs, scouts, and players making cases for all three. Currently, it seems Darvish has the edge, but I loved this quote from one player: “My choice is deGrom. It’s not even close who the best pitcher in the league is.” I’d personally love to see deGrom pull off his third straight Cy Young, but it would figure that the year the Mets finally score a few runs for him, he won’t win.

Ben Roethlisberger, Will_Ferrell, Cy Young, Saquon Barkley, Jacob_deGrom, Mets, MLB, NFL, Ward Calhoun, Angry Ward, Meet_The_Matts

Save Saquon. As I brought up yesterday in the comments section of Ben Whitney’s post, it was painful watching the Steelers manhandle Giants running back Saquon Barkley on Monday night. I haven’t seen that many guys swarming to the ball since Matt McCarthy forced everyone to watch Rugby Scrum compilation videos during his bachelor night. If the Giants can’t find a way to finally solve some of their offensive line woes they need to orchestrate a mercy trade for Barkley. I’m tired of watching generational talents waste their careers on teams that just can’t figure it out. Guys like Barry Sanders and Steve Smith immediately spring to mind. Saquon Barley deserves to be running wild somewhere, not running for his life out in Jersey.

Big Ben Religiousberger. Gotta say, I was NOT expecting Cementhead Steelers QB Ben Roethlisberger to thank Jesus Christ after Monday Night’s win. Not a completely unpredictable plot twist, but it still caught me off guard. He was both thankful and feeling very blessed that his personal savior helped him smite the Giants, just as David once smote (?) Goliath, even though Goliath was a much more prohibitive favorite and the NY Giants an underdog in this case. But… where was I? Ah, yes, Ben has found God, and not a moment too soon. One can only assume that he will spread the gospel amongst his Pittsburgh brethren, and by season’s end we should have JuJu’s for Jesus t-shirts for sale on the Steelers page of the NFLShop.

And on that uplifting note, I’m signing off until next Wednesday. Don’t forget to come back tomorrow for Buddy Diaz, who is probably looking to sacrifice Carson Wentz at the feet of the Rocky Balboa statue outside the Philadelphia Museum of Art, after his horrific Week 1 performance.

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Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, "Don't have a enough short, white angry guys but I don't dislike them... that much." A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.

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