NOTE: At 10:AM ET today, @Sportsnaut will be sharing their skillz with us, so don’t be alarmed if you see some changes.
BRONX, NY – I’m writing this f**ker on a beautiful Tuesday afternoon, so don’t expect me to stay up and write about what happened in last night’s NBA or NHL playoff games. You want the Sports Final, go buy a Daily News or wait for Buddy or Blaber. They love that up-to-the-minute sh!t. Instead, let’s focus on the fact that this weekend ushers in the unofficial (but really, quite official) start of summer. What are everyones’ plans? Here’s what some sports figures are up to.
Julio Jones. The Atlanta Falcons receiver isn’t really sure where he’s going but, when asked about the possibility of continuing his “staycation” in Atlanta, he somehow got a word in edgewise with Shannon Sharpe and told him, “I’m outta there.” But not so fast, Mr. Jones. It’s said the Falcons want a first round draft pick in return, which is pretty hilarious for a great-but-32-year-old wide receiver who can’t seem to stay on the field. Rather than New England or Cleveland or some other football destination, you might be more likely to find Me and Julio down by the schoolyard come September.
Francisco Lindor. Is taking the summer off, doing wacky stuff with his hair, and counting his money. He couldn’t wait, so he started early.
Short Matt. The guy who “runs things around here” will once again be taking leave of his senses. Why should summer be any different than the rest of the year? It’s a year-round break from reality, with only the geographical setting and where his piece of sh!t car will break down changing. He’ll probably sail off to Fire Island, where he’ll unwind in a Panama Hat, and little else, only breaking to send out the occasional text to his Covid-weary contributors saying: Gents, can someone pinch hit today? You can set your watch to it.
Gritty. The Mercurial Philadelphia Flyers mascot will be summering in Iceland, where he’ll spend most of his time doing the backstroke in an active volcano.
Giancarlo Stanton and Aaron Judge. The Yankees’ two big boppers plan on spending a lot of time on the IL. Stanton is there now, scouting things out. Judge will either join him or replace him, but only after all of that banged up rabble from the Mets clears out. Who wants to vacation with THOSE guys?
New York Islanders. No vacation plans for the Islanders yet. First of all, they want to avoid the beach, because of the aforementioned Short Matt. But they also are attempting to dispatch the Penguins back to Pittsburgh, where you want to be socially distant no matter what. I never thought I’d hear myself say these words but, Go Isles!
Speaking of Go…
Come back tomorrow for Buddy Diaz who, like most REAL New Yorkers, considers an open fire hydrant and a six pack the French Riviera.
