BRONX, NY – (*Editor’s Note: Sorry for all of the not-very-disguised offensive language in this piece. I felt it was warranted.)
Dear Baseball Owners, Players, Agents, Union Officials and Assorted Other Major League Baseball F**kwads:
Hope this finds all you dumb-asses enjoying your extended vacation. Because of you stupid greedy f**ks, Spring Training has already been delayed and so too soon will be Opening Day. You morons will never f**king learn and, as always, it’s the fans that suffer. And speaking of the fans, you shortsighted f**k-nuts should be doing everything possible to hold onto your dwindling base like they’re your last roll of precious f**king quarters. You think baseball is at the zenith of its popularity and still America’s Pastime? Wake up and smell the stale $16 Bud Light, you lousy sh!t-for-brains losers. Millennials and Gen Z already barely care, and each successive generation will be a tougher sell for baseball. Having no games will make it even easier for them to ignore.
As always, I reserve the biggest dose of venom for all you team owners out there who care little about the game outside of maximizing making money off of it in every way possible. You didn’t care when the 1994 season got cancelled and you a-holes sure as hell don’t care about this current lockout. You just want to stuff your pockets with as much filthy lucre as you can get your sweaty little mitts on. Baseball team owners have always sucked. You sucked during the olden days, you suck now, and you’ll suck for however long baseball survives. There’s no fixing you boardroom bottomline c**k-suckers. You’re like agents on steroids, fueled by cracked crab and fawning underlings. Screw you eternally.
Since I just brought up you agents, let me just say that you guys can f**k right the f**k off. No one likes you smarmy douchebags—no one—not even the players you represent. There are no Jerry Maguires here, only Scott BorASSes.
You players and your lovely union don’t get off scot-free here. No sane person ever sides with ownership, but you guys aren’t exactly starving in the streets. Francisco Lindor is going to make $32 million a year for the next 10 years and he hit facking .230 last year! I know it’s a million years ago, but when Reggie Jackson signed with the Yankees in 1976 for 5 years and $2.9 million, people thought he was pulling a Brinks Job. Ha! You guys are currently pushing for a minimum salary that’s approaching $1 million a year. Dave Parker was one of the first to make that much in a year. Dave Parker was a better player than almost all of you. Dave Parker belongs in the Hall of Fame. And Dave Parker’s career earnings don’t even come close to what some of you guys earn in fraction of a season. George Brett’s career earnings are half of what Max Scherzer is set to make this year. I get it, the owners are jamming on the brakes and forcing salaries down (though don’t tell that to Scherzer), but it’s not a good look for multi-millionaires and their union to cry poverty.
In summation, you all are a bunch of grubby scumbags. You have the negotiating skills of a cackle of starving hyenas. Rob Manfred belongs in a rundown Fun House somewhere. I’m more tired of all of you than I would be at 100 Phish shows combined. Get bent, get the sh!t out of your ears, and get a deal done.
P.S. If this season gets cancelled, I will at least take solace in the fact that no one will have to witness the atrocity of the New York Yankees retiring that whiny POS Paul O’Neill’s number. What a f**king joke. Go punch a jug of gatorade, d!ckhead.