Angry Ward Wednesday: Let’s Break Some News with Deshaun Watson, the Mets, KD, and that Crumb-Bum Aaron Rodgers

Did someone say something about Aaron Rodgers and his tattoo? Is Stanton hurt? Are Shaq & Judge Judy dating?!

BRONX, NY – Today is a total random indistinguishable Wednesday at the end of July. A day like today is perfectly set up for someone, somewhere to come forward with some sort of momentous news:
MEET THE MATTS WRITERS TO BE PAID!
JOEL OSTEEN ASKS YANKEES TO REMOVE ‘FALSE IDOLS’ IN MONUMENT PARK AHEAD OF VISIT
NY JETS MAKE SMART FOOTBALL DECISION.

Really, anything will do. In fact, there’s a whole bunch of stuff still hanging in the air out there. Someone, please, make a move on one of these things.

Deshaun Watson. Exactly how damn long does the NFL intend to milk this whole Deshaun Watson suspension decision thing? Jeez! It’s been friggin’ weeks. At this point, Goodell and his droogs should turn this thing into yet another horrid NFL TV Event: Watson Decision 2022. Have Stephen A. Smith and Mad Dog Russo do a two-hour-long scream-filled pre-show and then have someone like Judge Judy come out and hand down the decision in humiliating fashion. “You like grabbing, Buddy? Well, you can grab a piece of pine for the year. Case closed!” People will watch anything these days, who’s not gonna watch this?

New York Mets. Speaking of waiting for the other shoe to drop, the Mets started the second half of the season sputtering against the San Diego Padres. At times this year, their offense has shown signs of reverting to its “Standard” setting, which is very few two-out rbis and low-to-no run support whenever one of their starters is out there shutting the opposing team down. I’m wrote this Tuesday afternoon and the Subway Series kicked off last night in Flushing. SPOILER ALERT : The Amazins won… I don’t know about the rest of you, but the annual Mets/Yanks series got old for me like a decade ago. I would very much welcome anything out of the ordinary, at the very least a brawl. As I write this, I see that the Yankees have placed Giancarlo Stanton on the IL with Achilles Tendinitis. So… more of the same ol’ same ol’.

Kevin Durant. Trade him to the Celtics, trade him to the Pelicans, trade him to Russia for Brittney Griner and some weed vape cartridges… just trade him. Enough.

Aaron Rodgers. Everyone’s favorite smug quarterback, Aaron Rodgers recently made a big social media deal out of some stupid new tattoo he got. As someone hilariously wrote, he went to the tattoo artist and said: “Give me something that looks the way Kyrie Irving talks.” Anyway, now that he’s proven that he’s not afraid of all needles, Rodgers should get a tattoo a day until the regular season starts. Maybe start with a simple heart on his chest with an arrow through it and the word “ME” emblazoned across it, and he can work his way up to perhaps something Ghostbusters-themed that says: “Who ya gonna call? Mason Crosby!” Have at it, Mr. Deep Thinker, turn your body into a canvas for all of your precious thoughts.

I’m thinking I’m done for today. Stay away from drugs and home run derbies, kids. They’re no good for you. Come back tomorrow for the latest installment of Everybuddy Loves Buddy Diaz.

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About Angry Ward 655 Articles
Angry Ward, who has admirers at the New York Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but for one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way Nancy Pelosi embraces Mitch McConnell at charity events. And while his Vikings only tease him with success, his Golden State Warriors actually win these days. A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, "The Franchise." (Junoir Blaber disputes this). Vent, curse and giggle with him on Angry Ward Wednesdays.