Angry Ward Wednesday: F Brett Favre, Herschel Still Has No Moves, and Atlanta is Annoying

Angry Ward: F Brett Favre, Herschel Still Has No Moves, and Atlanta is Annoying

NEW YORK, NY – We live in a wondrous time where almost anything is possible, but not necessarily good. Billionaires can build rockets, fly into space, and pretty much get away with murder in all other aspects of their lives. Retired sports stars also look for new hobbies and challenges, but don’t always choose so wisely. And a certain southern-based baseball team is like a foot fungus that just won’t quit. (*Sigh*) Let’s get into it.

Brett Favre. Oh, f**k this guy! Seriously? Is anyone really surprised that Mississippi’s Volleyball Robin Hood is a POS? He’s always been this guy but, hey, he’s white and won a Super Bowl so let’s give him a pass. The undisputed king of the pick six, as well as the dick pix, Favre is a Hall of Fame toilet human. In retrospect, Sean Payton and Gregg Williams should have maybe received Presidential Medals of Freedom rather than suspensions for “Bountygate.” I’m still pissed that he was on the Vikings. Luckily none of their other former players is in the news. Oh, wait…

Herschel Walker. You remember that time Minnesota traded half their team and a boatload of draft picks to the Dallas Cowboys for a 27-year-old running back who was built like a washing machine and could only run in a straight line? Well that guy is now running to represent Georgia in the U.S. Senate, and his running style is even more simplistic (if that’s even possible) than when he was in the NFL. When talking about participating in an upcoming debate, Walker described himself as a “country boy” and “not that smart,” and added that his opponent was going to “show up and embarrass me at the debate.” I don’t know, sure sounds like solid Senate material to me. I am, however, a little hurt that I never once received a $700 check or get well card when he played for the Vikes, even though he did make me sick to my stomach virtually every time he took the field.

Atlanta Braves. Why don’t we just stay in Georgia so that I can talk a bit about the Atlanta Braves and finish torturing myself. The Braves just finished sweeping the Mets. The Braves are a very good baseball team. The Braves prefer having an organist play at their ballpark, rather than pipe in noise, which is cool. Okay, I’m done saying nice things about the Braves. Atlanta is a crap sports town. Travis d’Arnaud is an escapee from a carnival sideshow. Braves fans do the “Tomahawk Chop” because it’s the only exercise they get after polishing off multiple nacbo helmets, and they have a very tough time stringing actual words together. Dansby Swanson was a character name rejected by Gone With the Wind producer David O. Selznick, because it sounded “too goddamn stupid.” And John Rocker is still a big dumb racist.

On that note, I’ll call this one done. Come back tomorrow for everyone’s best bud, Buddy Diaz.

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About Angry Ward 681 Articles
Angry Ward, who has admirers at the New York Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but for one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way Nancy Pelosi embraces Mitch McConnell at charity events. And while his Vikings only tease him with success, his Golden State Warriors actually win these days. A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, "The Franchise." (Junoir Blaber disputes this). Vent, curse and giggle with him on Angry Ward Wednesdays.