Angry Ward: Morocco Needs a Miracle, Steve Cohen Spends, and Let’s Start the NHL Playoffs Now

Taylor. Jimmy Fallon and Little Lord Fauntleroy - together for the first time via Steve Cohen & MTM!

BRONX, NY – Hey there, sports fans/MTM masochists! We’re smack dab in the middle of December, and there’s lots of sportsing going on. You don’t believe me? Why, just the other day I spent a good 15 to 20 minutes on the phone with Short Matt talking about rugby… of all things. There’s another item off the old Angry Ward Bucket List. Besides rugby, rugby, rugby, there’s other stuff going on the world of athletics. Let’s get to some of it.

World Cup.¬†Argentina crushed Croatia yesterday to advance to the World Cup Final, and today at 2 EST, it’s France taking on Morocco. I must admit I was really rooting for a Croatia/Morocco Final because, you know, FIFA wants Argentina/France… and FIFA can f**k right off. Anywho, I’m still rooting for Morocco today in honor of one of my boyhood heroes, the one and only Morocco Mole. I gotta see if I can find a fez to wear during the game. Can anyone recommend a reputable fez shop in NYC?

Steve Cohen.¬†You ever wonder what it would be like to have a bottomless pot of money? Well, if you want to get an idea of what that might look/feel like, take a gander at New York Mets owner Steve Cohen these past few weeks. He missed out on Jacob deGrom, but has apparently “made up for it” by signing everyone else in sight, save Taylor Swift. Don’t get me wrong, I like that he’s spending, but this is a bit ridiculous. Part of the Mets’ allure was the “poor crosstown stumblebum loser who occasionally rises out of the gutter only to get his teeth kicked in” mystique. I don’t know if a team full of rich Little Lord Fauntleroys, anchored by a pair of grumpy multi-millionaire Grampas at the top of the rotation will play as well. Guess we’ll see. Meanwhile, here’s a live look at Steve Cohen.

NHL. Question for all you puck-heads out there: Are the Bruins and Devils really this good? I haven’t been paying very close attention but, from the looks of it, shouldn’t we just pack up the season early and have these two Eastern Conference Godzillas have at it? I know that there are some other teams heating up (Rangers and Pens?) but Bruins/Devils seems like a series worth watching right now.

Bowling. When’s the last time you were bowling? It’s getting cold out, and bowling has always been a great indoor sports-ish activity involving timing, hand/eye coordination, and, hardest of all, wearing weird rented shoes. You know what? I think I want bowling shoes for Christmas! What a feeling of power, to enter an alley and say: “Nah, keep those trash shoes to yourself, I got my own,” and then still shuffle over to some filthy rack to use a chipped-up bowling ball from the Fred Flintstone era. How about a Meet the Matts Holiday/Bowling Party this year?

Okay, I’m out. Come back tomorrow for everyone’s best buddy, Buddy Diaz.

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About Angry Ward 747 Articles
Angry Ward, who has admirers at the New York Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but for one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way Nancy Pelosi embraces Mitch McConnell at charity events. And while his Vikings only tease him with success, his Golden State Warriors actually win these days. A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, "The Franchise." (Junoir Blaber disputes this). Vent, curse and giggle with him on Angry Ward Wednesdays.