Angry Ward: What If Christmas Movies Became Sports Movies?

NEW YORK, NY – I enjoyed Ben Whitney’s movie-themed post so much that I’ve decided to piggyback on that concept. Either that or I’m lazy or, more likely, some combination of the two. Who cares? The point is, today we’re gonna find out what happens when Christmas movies turn into Sports movies. Here now, the synopses of these ill-conceived cinematic what-ifs.

It’s a Wonderful Life. Tom Brady gets to see what his life would be like if he un-retired and came back to play one more season of football for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, and the rest of us got to watch the whole car wreck in real time.

Frosty the Snowman. A thoroughly engaging biopic on the coke dealer for the 1986 New York Mets.

Die HardPatriots owner Robert Kraft decides to pay one last visit to his favorite massage parlor.

Love ActuallyDespite almost no one realizing it, or even giving him anything close to a fleeting thought, it turns out Kevin Love is actually still playing basketball for the Cleveland Cavaliers.

Cam James and fellow Die Hard St Louis sports fans. St. Louis sucks.

Meet Me in St. Louis. Cam James tries to get the entire MTM team to come to St. Louis for the holidays, and no one shows up because St. Louis sucks. Drinking-alone hijinks ensue.

White Christmas. Socially-curious Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones flies a whole bunch of rich white people on his private plane to his “White People Only” Christmas party and Chris Christie eats all the pigs n’ blankets and throws up on Stephen Jones.

Trading PlacesAs part of a “social experiment,” Justin Verlander leaves the World Series Champion Houston Astros to come play for the Mets, and Jacob deGrom leaves the Mets to live the life of a pensioner with the Texas Rangers.

Home Alone. Odell Beckham Jr. fights off absolutely NO ONE as he spends the holidays team-less.

The Nightmare Before Christmas. Short Matt goes to see his in-laws for the holidays while they do their best to put on a good face throughout his visit.

Holiday Inn. Jolly James Dolan throws the annual Knicks Christmas party at the Holiday Inn Express in Roslyn, Long Island, and hires his band to play it. A good time is had by none.

While Your Were SleepingAngry Ward finishes up a column that almost no one will be awake for. Unpaid hilarity ensues.

Check in on Buddy “The Elf” Diaz and his piece on Carlos Correa and the Knicks. Happy Hanukkah and Merry Christmas to all!

 

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About Angry Ward 748 Articles
Angry Ward, who has admirers at the New York Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but for one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way Nancy Pelosi embraces Mitch McConnell at charity events. And while his Vikings only tease him with success, his Golden State Warriors actually win these days. A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, "The Franchise." (Junoir Blaber disputes this). Vent, curse and giggle with him on Angry Ward Wednesdays.