NEW YORK, NY – I enjoyed Ben Whitney’s movie-themed post so much that I’ve decided to piggyback on that concept. Either that or I’m lazy or, more likely, some combination of the two. Who cares? The point is, today we’re gonna find out what happens when Christmas movies turn into Sports movies. Here now, the synopses of these ill-conceived cinematic what-ifs.
It’s a Wonderful Life. Tom Brady gets to see what his life would be like if he un-retired and came back to play one more season of football for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, and the rest of us got to watch the whole car wreck in real time.
Frosty the Snowman. A thoroughly engaging biopic on the coke dealer for the 1986 New York Mets.
Die Hard. Patriots owner Robert Kraft decides to pay one last visit to his favorite massage parlor.
Love Actually. Despite almost no one realizing it, or even giving him anything close to a fleeting thought, it turns out Kevin Love is actually still playing basketball for the Cleveland Cavaliers.
Meet Me in St. Louis. Cam James tries to get the entire MTM team to come to St. Louis for the holidays, and no one shows up because St. Louis sucks. Drinking-alone hijinks ensue.
White Christmas. Socially-curious Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones flies a whole bunch of rich white people on his private plane to his “White People Only” Christmas party and Chris Christie eats all the pigs n’ blankets and throws up on Stephen Jones.
Trading Places. As part of a “social experiment,” Justin Verlander leaves the World Series Champion Houston Astros to come play for the Mets, and Jacob deGrom leaves the Mets to live the life of a pensioner with the Texas Rangers.
Home Alone. Odell Beckham Jr. fights off absolutely NO ONE as he spends the holidays team-less.
The Nightmare Before Christmas. Short Matt goes to see his in-laws for the holidays while they do their best to put on a good face throughout his visit.
Holiday Inn. Jolly James Dolan throws the annual Knicks Christmas party at the Holiday Inn Express in Roslyn, Long Island, and hires his band to play it. A good time is had by none.
While Your Were Sleeping. Angry Ward finishes up a column that almost no one will be awake for. Unpaid hilarity ensues.
Check in on Buddy “The Elf” Diaz and his piece on Carlos Correa and the Knicks. Happy Hanukkah and Merry Christmas to all!