BRONX, NY – John Harbaugh got fired yesterday, the College Football Playoff semi-finals start tomorrow, and Short Matt won’t shut up about his new favorite hockey series Heated Rivalry, but I’m here today to discuss the upcoming NFL playoffs. Well, maybe not exactly the games themselves but, more like a totally subjective analysis of which teams I simply cannot abide having any type of success. Let’s get to it. I’ll start with least-objectionable and work up to “gouge my eyes out if they win the Super Bowl.” Here we go.
Buffalo Bills. This sure set up as the “Bills’ Year,” but it currently doesn’t look like it’s in the cards for them. As a Vikings fan, I feel the city of Buffalo’s pain. I also find it almost impossible to dislike Josh Allen. So, in summation, the Bills being my favorite team in these playoffs certainly dooms them to a lightning-fast exit. That said, I still think they can beat the Jags.
Chicago Bears. Even I’m shocked that I find a Vikes‘ division opponent my second least objectionable team in the playoffs. But look who they play in the first round. Nuff said.
Jacksonville Jaguars and Carolina Panthers. I don’t like either of these stupid teams, but I don’t hate them either. If one or both make a run, I will feel vast nothingness. If they meet in the Super Bowl, I will go to the movies or take my wife to dinner and a play.
Los Angeles Rams. The Rams won it all not too long ago, so I feel it’s too soon to want to see McVay and Co. hoist another Lombardi Trophy. That said, I like their D and their fanbase isn’t terrible, but only because they don’t really exist.
New England Patriots. Robert Kraft has had enough happy endings to last him several lifetimes, but it’s hard not to like Mike Vrabel and Drake Maye ain’t Tom Brady. Still, they can wait a few years, as far as I’m concerned… if not longer.
Here’s where it starts getting difficult.
San Francisco 49ers. I’ve had a bellyful of the Niners in my lifetime, but I like George Kittle enough as a player to not bury this version of this team near the bottom of this list. You’re welcome, San Fran.
Seattle Seahawks. Darnold winning it all would only add to the rich history of Minnesota’s ineptitude at finding and keeping a good QB. They traded Tarkenton to the Giants fer crissakes! Then came to their senses and somehow got him back. Seahawks fans are so full of themselves with that 12th Man crapola.
Los Angeles Chargers. Jim Harbaugh? Ptooey! Can’t stand him. If he weren’t coaching this team they’d move to second or third from the top of this list. Also, I still hate saying Los Angeles Chargers. Garbage.
Houston Texans. This is as high as you’ll ever see any team from Texas on any list of mine. Make a note of it.
Green Bay Packers and Philadelphia Eagles. I can’t choose. I mean, I hate the Packers because they’re the Packers, but Nick Sirianni, the Eagles, and their horsesh!t-eating fans make a compelling case. So much vitriol to go around. I honestly worry that one of these crumb-bum teams is gonna flip the switch and make a run. Please… God… No.
Pittsburgh Steelers. Just say “No” to Aaron Rodgers kids. It’s gonna be all right.
That’s it for this Wednesday. Come back tomorrow for Buddy Diaz, who has more D is his two names than the Knicks do on their entire team.
