Lima Time
NEW YORK, NY -With major league teams making their final roster tweaks and the start of the baseball season just around the corner, now seems like the perfect time to brush up on the finer points of the game. Now, before you start rolling eyes and blathering on about how you know all there is to know about our national pastime (I’m looking at you Yankee Joe) you might be surprised to learn that some long-held baseball terms have taken on new meaning in recent years. Oh, at the last second Short Matt contacted us and asked that we throw in some religious references for the high holy holidays to keep him in the good graces of The Bald Guy Upstairs for his multiple Lenten offenses. No problem. The guy’s a Saint. Here’s what we’re talking about:
Warning Track: Scar tissue of questionable origin. Patron Saint: Barry Bonds
Inside-The-Park-Home Run: Also known as a “cheapie” or “s**tting where you eat” this is when you make whoopee in and around the confines of the ballpark. Patron Saint: Steve Phillips
Pitching Rubber: What to have handy in the event you decide to sleep with a major league pitcher. Patron Saint: Jose Lima
Foul Tip: Horrible coaching advice. Patron Saint: Razor Shines
Long Relief: What one takes after many expensive ballpark beers. Patron Saint: Rex O’Rourke
Rex O’Rourke, in Yankee hat, goes In Through The Out Door
Infield Fly: The designation given any attractive woman sitting in box seats along the first- and third base lines. Patron Saint: Cookie
Grand Slam: The sound a fat guy makes when running into the outfield wall. Patron Saint: Greg Luzinski
Canadian Plasma Therapy Specialist: Performance enhancing drug dealer. Patron Saint: Dr. Anthony Galea
Drag Bunt: A particularly lame attempt at a sacrifice. Patron Saint: Luis Castillo
Starting Pitcher: The pitcher or beer you drink before entering the stadium. Patron Saint: The Yankee Tavern
Balk: The sound one makes when choking on a piece of Cracker Jack. Patron Saint: That Chubby Kid who occasionally sat in Loge Section 8 at Shea
Batter’s Box: A slump-ending piece of the female anatomy. Patron Saint: Kate Hudson’s Magic Vagina
Bullpen: What bulls**t artists use to write. Patron Saint: Yankee Joe
5-Tool Player: A guy who’s a d**k-bag five or more different ways. Patron Saint: Roger Clemens
Bleachers: Exceptionally white baseball fans. Patron Saint: Tall Matt
Gold Glove: The color stadium custodial crew members’ latex gloves turn after cleaning the urinals. Patron Saint: The Tidy Bowl Man
Organist: A player who constantly adjusts his junk. Patron Saint: Julio Lugo
Okay, that’s all for today’s tutorial. Hopefully this helps clear up some misconceptions and has you better prepared for Opening Day… Look for [Jillian] Brooks, with her second column, tomorrow.
