ANGRY WARD WEDNESDAY: SAINTS PRESERVE US, BASEBALL IS BACK!

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Lima Time

by Angry Ward

NEW YORK, NY -With major league teams making their final roster tweaks and the start of the baseball season just around the corner, now seems like the perfect time to brush up on the finer points of the game. Now, before you start rolling eyes and blathering on about how you know all there is to know about our national pastime (I’m looking at you Yankee Joe) you might be surprised to learn that some long-held baseball terms have taken on new meaning in recent years. Oh, at the last second Short Matt contacted us and asked that we throw in some religious references for the high holy holidays to keep him in the good graces of The Bald Guy Upstairs for his multiple Lenten offenses. No problem. The guy’s a Saint. Here’s what we’re talking about:

Warning Track: Scar tissue of questionable origin. Patron Saint: Barry Bonds

Inside-The-Park-Home Run: Also known as a “cheapie” or “s**tting where you eat” this is when you make whoopee in and around the confines of the ballpark. Patron Saint: Steve Phillips

Pitching Rubber: What to have handy in the event you decide to sleep with a major league pitcher. Patron Saint: Jose Lima

Foul Tip: Horrible coaching advice. Patron Saint: Razor Shines

Long Relief: What one takes after many expensive ballpark beers. Patron Saint: Rex O’Rourke

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Rex O’Rourke, in Yankee hat, goes In Through The Out Door

Infield Fly: The designation given any attractive woman sitting in box seats along the first- and third base lines. Patron Saint: Cookie

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Grand Slam: The sound a fat guy makes when running into the outfield wall. Patron Saint: Greg Luzinski

Canadian Plasma Therapy Specialist: Performance enhancing drug dealer. Patron Saint: Dr. Anthony Galea

Drag Bunt: A particularly lame attempt at a sacrifice. Patron Saint: Luis Castillo

Starting Pitcher: The pitcher or beer you drink before entering the stadium. Patron Saint: The Yankee Tavern

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Balk: The sound one makes when choking on a piece of Cracker Jack. Patron Saint: That Chubby Kid who occasionally sat in Loge Section 8 at Shea

Batter’s Box: A slump-ending piece of the female anatomy. Patron Saint: Kate Hudson’s Magic Vagina

Bullpen: What bulls**t artists use to write. Patron Saint: Yankee Joe

5-Tool Player: A guy who’s a d**k-bag five or more different ways. Patron Saint: Roger Clemens

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Bleachers: Exceptionally white baseball fans. Patron Saint: Tall Matt

Gold Glove: The color stadium custodial crew members’ latex gloves turn after cleaning the urinals. Patron Saint: The Tidy Bowl Man

Organist: A player who constantly adjusts his junk. Patron Saint: Julio Lugo

Okay, that’s all for today’s tutorial. Hopefully this helps clear up some misconceptions and has you better prepared for Opening Day… Look for [Jillian] Brooks, with her second column, tomorrow.

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About Angry Ward 619 Articles
Angry Ward, who has admirers at the New York Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but for one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way Nancy Pelosi embraces Mitch McConnell at charity events. And while his Vikings only tease him with success, his Golden State Warriors actually win these days. A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, "The Franchise." (Junoir Blaber disputes this). Vent, curse and giggle with him on Angry Ward Wednesdays.