by Jillian Brooks


BOSTON, MA – Quick, ten years ago today the cover of Sports Illustrated had what headline? Time’s up. Here it is:

“Why The Red Sox Will Win The World Series.”

In hindsight it was laughable for a number of reasons, the most obvious of which was the cover photo choice: A sleeveless pose of a power-stanced Pedro Martinez getting his grip on a Boston championship. This was about two years before he starting taping himself to things.


That 2000 baseball season ended with a Yankee win, and a less-than-friendly Mets Vs. Yankees neighborhood match up; The Subway Series. This marking the last time a team has repeated at the World Series, yada yada. But this article isn’t about baseball and really, I think the boys handle that well enough (Cookie, you’re cool too). Instead, this is about the Palpable Dysfunction of New England Sports Teams. See what I did there? I just reeled you in with a little baseball banter and than ripped out the hook. Suckers

Okay haters, before your Neanderthal brow starts to quiver, hear me out. I’m mocking them. Really, there’s sarcasm painted all over this one. Pinky promise.

There’s a reason why Southie Natives, College Fratters, and overbearing soccer moms dress themselves head to toe in New England Sports gear every changing season -it’s that the dysfunction of our teams reminds us of home. Not home as in The Bay State, that’s just too obvious. Home, as in our families. See, the dysfunction of our sports teams mirrors our extended families.


The Red Sox: They are the wonderful aunt you have that is the life of the party. She’s fun to talk to, great at a picnic, and well put together… when she’s sober. Otherwise she’s a train wreck. You never know what you’re going to get at the beginning of the party, but by the end you know exactly where you’re ending up; in the bathroom holding back a ponytail.


The Patriots are your perfect cousin. Never had a mark on his record and sort of made you feel a bit inferior at the family parties. A cousin so genuinely fantastic that he could even cheat on his SAT’s and make it through high school into college. Now in college struggling more to stay pristine, he still finds away to mess with your shine. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, you’re probably the perfect cousin.

The Celtics are your other cousin, sort of a goofy personality with looks to match. Nothing too special in the character department either. And than one Thanksgiving they show up looking BEAUTIFUL. Started spending those Abercrombie & Fitch gift cards your families been giving each Christmas. Got themselves some Proactiv, grew into their nose a little bit, maybe even made you consider whether or not it’s okay to smooch your cousin. Just for a minute. Maybe seven.

You can use Abercrombie & Fitch cards here!

The Bruins: Bless their hearts. Unless you’re a die-hard hockey head, your notice of them gets swept up in the gleam of shamrocks and Minute Men artillery. Just like your little sis that got left at a department store – like Macy’s. So easily forgotten in the mix of things, the hustle and bustle of the mini-van. Think this is a joke? Ask around, I bet you can find a few similar stories.

The point of this article? Next time you hear a drunken Red Sox fan slur “Yankee’s Suck” into the back of your head, let it go! New England sports fans were raised improperly. We were hugged entirely too much and received too many participation awards. So, take it easy on us, we’re born to be locals.


Cookie’s Corner (pending flu bug), tomorrow.

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About The Matts 375 Articles started out as a NY Mets website and organically grew into an entity covering all professional sports. Our daily contributors, as diverse as they may be, share two important traits: -They toil for the "love of the game..." -They have a sense of humor. This is, after all, sports entertainment.