Bronx, NY – Tonight the New York Rangers desperately try to stave off elimination from the Stanley Cup Finals at Madison Square Garden, an arena that sits atop a sh**thole of a train station, which itself is probably built on some sort of prehistoric Stegosaurus Port-o-Potty. Anyway, everyone here in New York is hoping against hope that Blueshirts find a way to keep it going, mostly because we like our agony prolonged. But it’s also because, sports-wise, things have been pretty bleak around the Metropolitan area of late. If the Rangers bow out, here’s what we have to look forward to.
The Neverending Derek Jeter Retirement Tour. Look, let’s not kid ourselves, the Yankees are going nowhere this year except to a bunch of ballparks where local yokels will shower Captain Clutch with useless gifts as he plays out the string. Jeter was a terrific player, of course, but what else is there left to give to a guy who possibly gave Jessica Alba herpes? (Everything on the internet is true, right?) And how many highlight reels can you show a fella who once had a lady friend allegedly walk into his apartment only to find him naked on his couch watching clips of himself, yelling “Yeah, Jeets!” (Again, google this one, it’s funny.) In any event, this is what will pass as baseball in New York this summer until some time at season’s end the Yankees will inevitably unveil a Jeter statue in Monument Park featuring a c**k that rivals the Space Needle, giving much needed shade to George Steinbrenner’s monolith plaque.
Give Us Liberty or Give Us Death. If you have never been to a WNBA New York Liberty game, this may be the summer to saunter on over to Herald Square and see the best professional basketball team that calls Madison Square Garden home (the Globetrotters don’t count, do they?). The Liberty are off to a slow 3-6 start but with Bill Laimbeer as their GM and Head Coach (who knew?), they should be cat-fighting their way to the top of the Eastern Conference in no time. In fact, with Laimbeer at the helm, look for most games to feature more hair pulling and clothes tearing than your average Saturday night Staten Island Ferry ride. Good times.
Jets and Giants OTAs/and Preseason. Both of these teams sucked last year and the last thing anyone wants to do is hypothesize on how much better they are going to be this year based on a bunch of namby-pamby practices and even lamer exhibition games. Next!
Seinfeld Night in Brooklyn. There is a reason to live! On July 5th the Brooklyn Cyclones will host Seinfeld Night, as they rename their Coney Island stadium Vandelay Industries Park and give out Keith Hernandez “Maigc Loogie” bobbleheads. From a low-talking PA announcer to Festivus foul poles to an airing of the grievances information table, this one promises to turn a “Prognosis Negative” NY sports summer into a positive, if for one night only. My brother has already secured tickets. I’m personally looking forward to the leftover sweat, stench, and soggy hot dog buns from the previous day’s Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest. Now if only they can get Costanza to run over Bette Middler during the Seventh Inning Stretch.
There you have it folks, it promises to be a cruel, cruel summer around these parts, but not for the techies attempting to fix Short Matt’s computers. Ka-Ching! Stay tuned tomorrow for Fake Sandy Alderson or Big Al Sternberg, whomever is cheaper.