Angry Ward Wednesday: Football Begins, Yanks May Get In, and Mets Always Get it Wrong. Kill me now.

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Rex O’Rourke, Cheesy Bruin, Happy Chris, Short Matt

BRONX, NY – I have zero time to be writing a column this week, but to hell with it. I’ll even overlook the fact that this past week I missed out on a trip to the beach, free box seats, food, and drink at a Mets game, and free three-hour open bar at another Mets game with MTM Staff. Yep, everything’s coming up roses for me, as usual. It’s time to jettison some toxins. Let’s get to it.

Are you ready for some football? I know I’m not. This Thursday the NFL season kicks off with the Seattle Steroids defending their Super Bowl title against the Green Bay Crackers. As a Vikings fan, I personally hope that Seattle tears Aaron “I love women. Seriously.” Rodgers limb from limb. Screw him and everyone else in Wisconsin. And that goes for all of those Packers poseurs living in Minnesota as well. As for my Vikings, Matt Cassel won the starting quarterback job and Norv Turner is the new offensive coordinator. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to scratch this brain itch with an ice pick. When you pull for the Vikes, doom springs eternal. This year is no different. The only good news is that Minnesota will be forced to play outdoors for the next two seasons while their new glass snow-globe stadium is constructed. The only hope this team has is that their players suck it up and adapt to frigid temps and snow and pray that opposing teams just flat out quit in the harsh conditions. Yes, this is the shred of promise that Minnesota fans such as myself cling to. Could be worse though: I could be a dumbass, fifth-generation alcoholic fireman Jets fan.

Yanks in the playoffs? Right now the New York Yankees are only four games out of the final AL Wildcard spot and it’s not inconceivable that they can claw their way into the playoffs. (I just threw up in my mouth a little.) For starters, 17 of their final 27 games are at home. More importantly, the lion’s share of these games comes against horrible teams in their own American League Least division. Starting tonight they get to beat up on the 60-77 Boston Red Sox, a team that packed it in weeks ago. Then they move on to such juggernauts as the Rays and Jays. At least they have to play Baltimore seven more times. I think Buck Showalter hates the Yanks more than I do. Some stupid local sports gasbag said on TV the other night: “Derek Jeter deserves one more run at the playoffs.” What??? Derek Jeter doesn’t deserve a damn thing! The guy’s got enough world series hardware to last several lifetimes and has pillowed so much top-notch tail that he makes Cheers owner Sam Malone look like a priest. To say that he deserves anything is an affront to the truly needy… like Mets fans. Speaking of which…

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Cheesy Bruin crushes Grandy.

The Mets are morons. As I mentioned earlier, this past week I missed out on catching a couple of Mets games. But one thing I didn’t miss was the moronic way in which Mets employees treat the fans. Our own Short Matt clued me in that he went to a game one night with his fiancée and future mother-in-law and wanted to show them various sight lines around CitiField, only to be stopped by ushers and told that he could not enter what was otherwise an empty section without showing a proper ticket. Even when he explained that they wouldn’t be sitting a just wanted to take a peek, they were still denied.

Then my brother went to a game Friday night in which they were giving out free t-shirts. He had received one shirt at the gate but had a couple of leftover (unused) tickets when he was leaving the game and wanted to stop back by the gate to get a couple of extra shirts for his friends that couldn’t make it. A Mets employee promptly informed him that he couldn’t get extra shirts and that it was only one per fan. He tried, in vain, to make this knucklehead understand that these tickets were purchased and that he should receive a shirt, but no dice. No extra shirts for you! No matter that there were boxes of them sitting right there.

Both of these instances stood as a reminder that the New York Mets will never get it right. They should be thrilled that anyone is showing up for these games during summer’s dog days with the Mets, once again, woefully out of contention. But instead of fawning all over fans with gratitude they instead treat them with indifference and disdain. Shame on the Mets and their continued culture of stupidity. It’s Groundhog Day every day in Flushing, except in this instance no one is learning any valuable lessons on how make everyone’s lives a little bit better. The Mets will never ever learn.

OK, that’s good. I feel a little bit better. And, hey, today is my daughter’s 6th birthday and she’s pretty much the coolest person I know. Got get going and help her celebrate. Come back tomorrow for Fake Sandy Alderson/Big Al Sternberg.

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About Angry Ward 747 Articles
Angry Ward, who has admirers at the New York Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but for one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way Nancy Pelosi embraces Mitch McConnell at charity events. And while his Vikings only tease him with success, his Golden State Warriors actually win these days. A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, "The Franchise." (Junoir Blaber disputes this). Vent, curse and giggle with him on Angry Ward Wednesdays.