Angry Ward Wednesday: Pats, Pucks, Baseball and More. February No Longer Sucks

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new-york-Didi Gregorius

Derek who?

BRONX, NY – It’s February, the Super Bowl is over, everything in the Northeast is encased in a block of ice, and this is normally time for my annual suicide column about how there’s nothing going on in sports and there’s no reason to live. Not so, this year. There’s plenty to chew on and enough for everyone, so let’s dig in!

Patriot Games. The Super Bowl was all fine and dandy, but the real must-see New England TV starts now. First we’ve got the final episodes of Deflate-Gate to get to. Don’t tell me you forgot? I, for one, and looking forward to watching Roger Goodell bumble his way through this thing like Ernest Scared Stupid. And Robert Kraft is the perfect bloated country club president that’s on the receiving end of it all.

Comedy not your thing? Then how about some Aaron Hernandez murder trial. There have already been delays aplenty and they just expelled a juror because she “really wanted” to be on the jury. Anyone who really wants to be on a jury, or even kinda wants to be on a jury, or who watches tons of Law & Order episodes, should be expelled from just about anything.

Blueshirts vs. Fishsticks. I cannot remember the last time the the Islanders and Rangers were at each others’ proverbial throats like they are right now. I’m gonna leave it to the hockey guys on this site (Diff, Cheeseman, and the Ax) to keep the banter going as the season progresses, but this is shaping up like a 1970s flashback. If they can just get those pesky Penguins out from between them, we can settle into comfy old routines regarding Denis Potvin, Stanley Cup droughts, and dancing bald guys who live with their moms. Bring it on.

Baseball is Back! Pitchers and catchers report in a couple of weeks, but it matters not. The second football season ends, baseball is back on the front burner. You can’t tell me that you’re not excited that Alex Rodriguez is training with Barry Bonds. That’s like Lindsay Lohan training with Amanda Bynes. It’s awesome. While Mets fans can’t wait to get Matt Harvey back in the rotation and see how much of a bust Michael Cuddyer is, Yankees fans are practically gnawing through their dining room table legs in anticipation of the beginning of the Didi Gregorius EraAndruw Jones is planning a comeback *yawn* and Seahawks QB Russell Wilson has accepted a Spring Training invite from the Texas Rangers, because he seemingly can’t get enough of red white and blue uniforms.

New Orleans PelicansThe New York Knicks Cannot be Stopped. Ever since our own Junoir Blaber set the Knicks season win total over-under at 10, and me and Clancy took the over, they have become an unstoppable killing machine capable of slaying balling giants like the Los Angeles Lakers, New Orleans Pelicans, and Philadelphia 76ers. They will not rest until Clancy and I are brunching on Blaber’s nickel at the Piper’s Kilt, and then rest they shall. They shall take a luxurious Van Winkle-like snooze for the remainder of the season, and it will be well earned.

Lance ArmstrongLive Strong, Drive Drunk. If all of this is just a tad too NY-centric for you, there’s always Lance Armstrong. Let’s see what Lance has been up to lately. Cops in Colorado say he hit a couple of parked cars in Aspen right before New Year’s and then let his girlfriend take the rap. Does this guy ever tell the truth? For all we know his real name is Seymour J. Kuyumpkin. At this point he couldn’t repair his image with a cure for cancer and a case of gorilla glue. Still waiting on some reality show to do an all-sports scumbag edition with guys like Lance and A-Rod and Clemens and Ndamukong Suh and… the list is endless. I know I’m tuning in.

But for this week, I’m tuning out. Come back tomorrow for Fake Sandy/Big Al Sternberg, who always seems to be singing the same tune about Mets management.

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Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, "Don't have a enough short, white angry guys but I don't dislike them... that much." A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.

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