HOLLYWOOD, CA – Poverbs 6:16-19: “There are six things the Lord hates, yes, seven which are an abomination to Him: Haughty eyes, a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood, A heart that devises wicked plans, feet that run rapidly to evil, A false witness who utters lies, and one who spreads strife among brothers. So basically everyone in the NFL.”
Brothers and sisters! All six, yes, seven of you! (Think Cromarties) The time to repent is nigh, and for many of you it may be too late! Football God is angry, and He’s taking it out on you! You may ask, what kind of a just Football God would allow terrible things to happen to good people, to good teams, to just plain good fans? How could this weekend’s slate of games be so painful, so horrifying, so apocalyptic that even the winners are left wondering if He exists? Here are four, yes, five reasons why:
First, Pigskin Pope Goodell laid down the decree that those bastions of sin, lo San Diego, Oakland, and Saint Louis, have been insufficient in their tithings. They now must face excommunication, their teams sent to a wrathful, disinterested wasteland, Los Angeles.
Second, the city of Houston, who are still paying for the sin of letting the Oilers move to Tennessee, exposed as false prophets in a division of lowly beasts. Head Coach Bill O’Brien tempted Him with a goal line package that included JJ Watt lining up in the wildcat and, to the surprise of absolutely no one, running into the line and falling down. The cherubic Andy Reid, who has pissed Football God off plenty with his blasphemous clock management in close games, was blessed with the blowout.
Third, the city of Cincinnati, who have been out of His favor so long they’ve turned their back completely on Him, taking inspiration from sinful sister city Philadelphia and pelting an injured Ben Roethlisberger with debris as he was being carted off. Thouest bespoke “Not Cool!” What followed was a series of disasters of the cruelest order as the Bengals players suddenly became possessed of evil demons, coming out of it at the final gun, rubbing their eyes and wondering what happened. Wrath, that’s what. At least now Philadelphia is considering hiring Tom Coughlin. Say what you will about Coughlin, Football God loves that guy for some reason!
Fourth, the city of Minnesota, the obvious Cain of the Twin Cities. Angry Ward and JG Clancy know the pain of exile all too well…it looks like 26 trips to the playoffs without a single trophy, and most of those losses happening in excruciating ways. Was it Bud Grant’s refusing heaters for his players on the sidelines of the frigid Metropolitan Stadium, the Hershell Walker trade, The Love Boat? Every time Football God starts reconsidering His hatred of the Vikes, something happens to make Him all smitey again. The good news is, Gary Anderson’s time in purgatory has been lifted!
Fifth, Washington D.C. Are they still called the Redskins? Are they still owned by Dan Snyder?
Football God has grown weary.
RIP, David Bowie.