BRONX, NY – There’s been a lot happening the past couple of weeks. The NFL playoffs aside, nothing has been bigger than what’s been going on down in our nation’s capital. We had a new President sworn in, followed by hundreds of thousands of women descending on D.C. the very next day. If President Sunkist wasn’t so busy dreaming up alternative facts to explain the low turnout for his inauguration, he might have been able to spin the protest march with a simple, “Of course they’re here. Chicks dig me!” deflection. But, alas, he’s not funny… only unintentionally funny. Still, if his team’s “alternative facts” explanation wasn’t so horrifying, it might actually be humorous, in the same way that Roger Clemens saying Andy Pettitte “mis-remembered” gave us all a good chuckle. With that in mind, here are some alternative sports facts.
The New York Knicks are still a super team. Derrick Rose wasn’t wrong. Don’t go to sleep on this Knicks team… even though they’re currently inducing more somnolent comas than “The Joy of Painting with Bob Ross.” Sure, they’re 7 games under .500, but they are only three games out of a playoff spot! Don’t worry about Porzingis’ achilles or Melo’s unhappiness or the fact that Phil Jackson seems content taking Jimmy Dolan to the cleaners, this team was built to win NOW! Look out Cleveland!
Johnny Manziel is cured and ready to play football. That’s right kids, Johnny Football is off the sauce and ready to be boss. How do we know it’s for real this time? He’s tweeting to President Trump. That’s not the kind of thing you do when you’re drunk. It’s what you do when you are dead serious and ready to really wreck the league once and for all. The Jets should definitely give him a call. New York is the perfect spot for sober Texans. Speaking of the Jets and QBs…
Ryan Fitzpatrick should have been an AFC Pro Bowler. He’s deserving and everyone knows it. It wasn’t his fault the Jets sucked this year. Breitbart reports that he had the votes too. Philip Rivers only got the nod because upwards of 3 million illegals came storming across the border and voted him in.
Matt Harvey’s fastball is faster than ever. This is no Sidd Finch hoax, people. Those close to the Dark Knight (terrible nickname, by the way) say that his latest surgery has left his right arm almost bionic. His fastball is topping out at 105. No pitch counts this year. He’s set to win upwards of 25 games.
The Washington Capitals are going to win the Stanley Cup. Vlad Putin is tired of seeing his boy, Alex Ovechkin, not drink from Lord Stanley’s Cup, so he already has a deal in place with his other boy, Donald Trump, to make sure the Caps win the Cup. It’s disgraceful, and shouldn’t happen, but seemingly no one can stop these two. Trump will get business for his hotel in DC and Putin plans on stealing the Cup when it’s brought to Moscow. He’ll add it to his growing sports memorabilia collection, along with one of Robert Kraft’s Super Bowl rings and Ivan Drago’s boxing trunks.
Speaking of sober Texans…
That’s all for today. Come back tomorrow for Buddy Diaz, a man who can bench press 500 pounds. It’s a fact.