BRONX, NY – I’m back from vacation. On Monday I stared right down the barrel of that solar eclipse, sans viewing specs, and was rewarded with super powers beyond my wildest dreams. For starters, I am now completely impervious to late-night texts from Short Matt asking me to edit someone’s column and telling me how much he likes Montauk Watermelon Session Ale. I’ve also been granted the strength and agility of the New York Giants‘ offensive line (9 sacks in two preseason games). So I’ve got that going for me, which is nice. Finally, now more than ever, I have 20/20 vision when it comes to what truly sucks about sports. Here’s why you shouldn’t bother watching any of it.
Major League Baseball. The games are too long. The beer is too expensive. The Yankees are a pinstriped amalgam of every smarmy 1980s teen movie William Zabka character. No more true double-headers. Way too many pitching changes. The Mets are murdering their own players. The Designated Hitter. John Sterling. The games’ biggest stars are devoid of personality. Phillies fans. Cotton-f**king-candy. Cotton Eye Joe. No one knows how to slide.
Golf. Sweet Jesus! Where to begin? First off, Mark Twain nailed it. Golf IS a good walk spoiled. But, not just that. It’s a good beach day out the effing window. It’s expensive to play and you have to wake up early to play it. But, watching it? Even worse. Announcers whispering is okay but drunks in the gallery yelling “You da man!” and “get in the hole” non-stop is the worst. The Golden Bear is gone, and so is Tiger. Why do you care? Just watch Caddyshack and be done with it.
Rugby. Just give me credit for including Rugby on this list and let’s be done with it.
Pro Basketball. Super Teams. The Knicks have sucked, and will suck, forever. The Eastern Conference is a joke. Russell Westbrook is more smarmy than Morris Day in Purple Rain. The last five minutes of any game lasts an eternity. The season is too long. The playoffs are too long. James Dolan owns a team.
Pro Hockey. Still too white.
Wrestling. Anything involving Vince McMahon and his family is an abomination before God. Not enough “foreign objects” and beating guys up with folding chairs anymore. Donald Trump likes it and participated in it. All the best managers are dead. Once it stopped airing on WOR Channel 9 at midnight, it was no longer worth watching.
Pro Football. Maybe the worst of them all. Greedy bazillionaire owners who come off like Old South Plantation patriarchs. Players getting absolutely murdered on the field and dying young. Fantasy Football morons cheering for every single team and play. The New York Jets and their fans. Thursday Night Football, the TV equivalent of passing a kidney stone. A 3-day televised draft. Flex scheduling. Jerry Jones. NFL pregame shows. Halftime shows. Review timeouts. Injury timeouts. TV timeouts. Timeout timeouts. Every new stadium deal and every new stadium. Roger Goodell.
NCAA Football and Basketball. Exploitation.
McGregor vs. Mayweather. What you spend 100 smackers on is your business. But, you are being played.
Admittedly, a lot of these things are made a whole lot more palatable when gambling is involved.
That’s all for today. Come back tomorrow for Buddy Diaz, whose favorite sport is Powerball.