BROOKLYN, NY – In response to my recent comments on our esteemed scribes’ posts here, Management has asked me to return to the fray… so here it goes: Now presiding over the case of Justice in the Sports Universe to make things right again, yours truly. I will issue these Judge Dredd-like edicts, because I am the Law… and as a result the justice will first grace my teams.
FIRST UP: The beloved Metropolitans… Where do I start? Okay, next season we will get a full compliment of starters, who will both remain injury-free and pitch to their full potential, breaking the continued plague that haunts this franchise like a never-departing swarm of locusts. This will be made possible by the hiring of the top trainers, stretching and yoga specialists and a philosophy of training to play baseball – not to dead lift the bodies of the fallen. Secondly, the kids called up will rise above their potential and become phenoms who set the world ablaze. And finally, sign a real third baseman and catcher and as many quality bullpen arms available. No dumpster diving. Who am I kidding? This franchise is cursed like no ones business. Conforto dislocating his shoulder and upping the ante with a torn capsule? See THIS in today’s NY Post. Enough already. Can’t that black cloud shift somewhere else… please? Macombs Dam a good place to start.
SECOND ON THE DOCKET: The New York Knickerbockers! Never mind… there’s nothing to be done here. Nothing to see. No hope, whatsoever. Maybe Dolan gets convicted and is forced to sell.
THIRD: Give the NY Giants an O-Line. Eli Manning get win if the back of his jersey is constantly covered in grass-stains.
FOURTH: Boston teams all suffer a horrible pox that returns them to their standard, also-ran status. The Pats play like the Steve Grogan era. the Celtics implode, the bruins and Bosox finish out of the playoffs. This era should continue until about 2108.
FIFTH: The NFL gives Kaepernick a job, puts Goodell in a stockade permanently, one that travels from city to city to give fans a chance to beat the hell out of him. You know, like the many domestic abusers he’s coddled. Get rid of PSL’s, teach people how to tackle properly and bring back the running game. Okay better yet, maybe the NFL can just go away.
SIXTH: Permanent ban on redneck sports and 1% sports from the landscape. Thats right no more NASCAR, Horse Racing, Dog Racing, Rodeo, Polo, and, most importantly… Golf. Make the “athletes” who play these silly games be forced to take up real exercise or get a job selling insurance.
And finally: On a completely different note, if the Dodgers do not win the World Series this year they are the biggest chokers of all time. No pressure or anything.
Chime in below with your version of sports justice – and by merely asking for these things, I am assuring the exact opposite occurs. Might as well start spending more time with the family.
