Angry Ward: It’s a Terrible Time to Be a Yankees Fan

SAM_Darnold, Browning_Nagle, Meet_The_Matts, Angry_Ward_Calhoun

BRONX, NY – I’ll admit, this headline may sound more than a little misleading. I mean, the Yankees DID just win 100 games and lost to maybe the best team in baseball in the divisional round of the playoffs. As people always say (to losers), “nothing to be ashamed of.” Still, I’d say there’s collateral damage. The Red Sox and Dodgers are in the Series. As Marisa Tomei said at the end of My Cousin Vinny, “Oh my God, what a nightmare!” What are Yankees fans to do now? Let’s look at some of the other sports teams (and one musical act) which Yankees fans have been know to associate with, and what they have to look forward to.

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Yankees Fan/NY Giants Fan. One of the most common New York sports connections is Yankees/Giants fan, and this is not a good time to be that person. There’s no forgetting that your once-great team is no longer run by a a craggy-faced tyrannical despot named George or Wellington. The insipid offspring or, in the case of the Yankees, their stupid lawyers are calling the shots now. The Giants are tragically bad, and in the process of wasting OBJ and that new guy,  Sasquatch Barkley. It’s gonna be a long fall and winter.

Yankees Fan/NY Rangers Fan. This is what happens to New York fans who get attached to a specific color scheme. You just had to go red, white, and blue didn’t you? How predictable. Now you can bathe in the golden Zamboni shower that should be the New York Rangers 2018-19 hockey season. Trump’s pee tape will be demure by comparison.

Yankees Fan/NY Jets Fan. You’re a hopeless alcoholic. So, really, you’re fine.

Yankees Fan/Dallas Cowboys Fan. Yes, this is a very real thing. I know plenty of Yanks/Boys fans, and I’m not talking about the clergy (Hey-Oh!). It’s really a match made in hell, when you think about it. They killed JFK in Dallas, and New York one-upped them by naming the worst airport in the world after him. The Yankees fan who is also a Cowboys fan is the worst kinda front-runner. No geographic loyalty (which is fine), a false sense of history (you a-holes couldn’t pick Frankie Crosetti and Bullet Bob Hayes out of a lineup of one, but still count rings like you witnessed them), and a general smarminess that is unmatched outside of Trump Tower. Don’t take this the wrong way but, die. Also, the Cowboys just gave up a #1 draft pick next year for Amari Cooper, which is kinda hilarious.

Yankees Fan/Billy Joel Fan. I know you think I’m gonna rag on Billy Joel here, but you’re wrong. Love him or hate him, the guy has written lots of quality songs. Seriously. The problem here is that Yankees fans like the worst of them. “Piano Man? This song needs to be banned from bars for eternity. “We Didn’t Start the Fire?” Cripes! An all-time stinkeroonie, that should replace waterboarding. Still, Yankee/Joel fans will dutifully file into MSG every month to warble along with their favorite Long Islander. There’s only one way he’s ever leaving that residency, and that’s in a hearse.

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Yankees Fan/NY Knicks Fan or Brooklyn Nets Fan. New Yorkers aren’t big on tanking, except when uttering the popular Metropolitan phrase, “Tanks fer nuttin’, ya lousy scumbag!” So, the 2018-2019 basketball season shouldn’t exactly be “Must-See TV” around these parts. It’s not easy to recover from losing by watching two teams lose as many games as they possibly can. Yankee basketball fans who have failed to tell people “I‘ve been following the Warriors for years,” are relegated to watching MMA and maybe taking some time to learn to walk erect by April.’

Enjoy the World Series and continuing to watch the Giants implode, while Sam Darnold turns into the second coming of Browning Nagle. It’s gonna be glorious.

Come back tomorrow for DJ Eberle, who will probably talk about the Atlanta Hawks, since his other favorite teams, the Lakers and Thunder, are a combined 0-6, while the Bills are doubling as an infomercial for people interesting in taking up opioid addiction.

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About Angry Ward 654 Articles
Angry Ward, who has admirers at the New York Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but for one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way Nancy Pelosi embraces Mitch McConnell at charity events. And while his Vikings only tease him with success, his Golden State Warriors actually win these days. A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, "The Franchise." (Junoir Blaber disputes this). Vent, curse and giggle with him on Angry Ward Wednesdays.