BRONX, NY (THE FUTURE) – Holy sh!t, I never thought I’d live to see the day, but the Bronx is THE place to live now. Though I guess us non-science-deniers could have seen some of this coming, what with lower Manhattan turned into a water park and once-hot nabes like Greenpoint and Long Island City inhabitable only to the offspring of Michael Phelps and Katie Ledecky. But it’s not just a few sections of NYC that have been forever altered, the sports landscape has changed quite a bit too. Here’s what’s up.
Baseball Blows Up. Ever since embracing the endless wave of new and virtually-undetectable designer steroids, the National Pastime has never been more popular. Predictably, America wanted baseball to be more like Professional Wrestling. Virtually every major record has been broken, even Joe DiMaggio’s 56-game hit streak. But experts agree, it’s only a matter of time before someone bests Roger Clemens the III’s 92-game string. All of the stadiums are new and have much larger dimensions, save Yankee Stadium, which is still a joke. Before his passing, Billy Crystal led an investment group that purchased the Bombers. He wanted to preserve the stadium but, funnily enough, he did add on an honest-to-goodness whorehouse behind the bleachers. The Mets won several World Series, but only after the Wilpons croaked and the team moved to Mexico City.
Golf is Gone. It got either way too hot or way too cold for golf and all the courses (thankfully, including all of Donald Trump’s) died. Bowling is now the sport of choice for non-athletic types who like to wear ridiculous clothing and pay a lot of money to hang out with likeminded folks. But all the cool kids know that Curling is way better.
The NBA is Freaktastic. For lack of a better description, NBA basketball is now played by insanely talented mutants, not unlike what you might remember from the X-Men series. Hops Spencer of the Trailblazers can dunk after taking off from mid-court, the Bulls have two players with actual horns growing out of their heads, and the Lakers have a guy nicknamed Captain Century who routinely scores 100 points a game, and he’s a bench player! It’s pretty cool.
Hockey. Absolutely nothing about hockey has changed. It’s played exactly as you remember… and the Rangers still haven’t won a Stanley Cup since 1994.
Football Geeks and Gadgets. The cartoon The Jetsons correctly predicted this one years ago. Football simply became too dangerous for humans to play, so they were replaced by robots. Both college and pro football are played by very lifelike and super-durable androids, and coached by grown-up gamers who barely remember Madden. For old-schoolers like myself, its unwatchable. Thank God we can instead spend our weekends in the company of sex robots, which are plentiful and amazing.
Okay, that’s all I got for today. I’m off to dinner with friends in what’s left of LA. It’s only a breezy 30 minute trip on the UltraRail, that’s just enough time to take a power nap, which also doesn’t mean what it used to.
Come back tomorrow for DJ Eberle, who predicted none of this.