Angry Ward Wednesday: Your Halloween Sports Costume Guide

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elton_john, Dodgers, Angry Ward, Meet_The_Matts, Halloween Sports CostumeBRONX, NY – Welcome to the scariest time of year. For Mets fans it’s the months between June and September, for everyone else, it’s Halloween. Anyway, if you’re stuck for costume ideas, there’s plenty of low-hanging fruit in the world of sports. Here are some quick getup ideas, some of which have multiple applications, in Your Halloween Sports Costume Guide.

The Artful Dodger. There’s nothing new about celebrities donning Los Angeles Dodger jerseys, but no one, and I mean no one, did it better than Captain Fantastic himself, Elton John. Show your friends that the B!tch is Back, in this tasteful ensemble. Alternative costume approach: Gay Chase Utley.

Moron USFL Owner. Do we really need to give you direction on this one? C’mon, you know the drill. Hideous strawberry blonde wig, ill-fitting suit, big stupid red tie and orange makeup aplenty. Alternative costume approach: Dangerously-Stupid President of the United States.

Nick Saban. Simplicity is the name of the game here. Just invest in a Crimson Alabama shirt or jacket, some Just for Men hair treatment, and walk around all evening with your arms crossed saying douchey things.

Thinking about Yankees being eliminated from the playoffs? Not likely.

The Thing with Two Heads and No Brains. Get one giant suit, some awful hair and a friend who won’t mind playing this Fred and Jeff Wilpon monstrosity with you. The more clueless your expressions, the better.

Retired Philadelphia Eagles Player with CTE. This Mick Jagger getup oughta have you covered for this one pretty well. Alternative costume approach: Sexually confused Eagles fan.

Angel Hernández. Grab a chest protector, a catcher’s mask, some dark sunglasses and a tin cup and voila!, you’re everyone’s favorite blind umpire, Angel Hernández. Replay headsets sold separately.

Hardcore MMA Fans. You and a bunch of buddies just be loud and obnoxious and drenched in axe body spray and be sure to be way too excited about some upcoming UFC event. Alternative costume approach: Trump rally attendees.

Meet The Matts Contributor. Get a stained t-shirt, a pair of tattered trousers with pockets turned inside out,  a cardboard belt, some dingy bedroom slippers and you should be ready to roll with this one. It helps to keep mumbling “promises were made” throughout the night.

Rudy Ghouliani. It doesn’t take much more than a set of gag choppers, a New York Yankees cap and a hint of dementia to pull off “America’s Sycophant,” Rudy Giuliani. Bonus points if you can get your female cousin to play your first wife. Alternative costume approach: Count Suckula.

If none of these work for you, just stay home and tell everyone you went as “an Atlanta Braves fan during the playoffs.” Zing!

Come back tomorrow for DJ Eberle or the Wolfman. May be one in the same.

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Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, "Don't have a enough short, white angry guys but I don't dislike them... that much." A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.

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