Replacement Matt: NFL Draft Notes, Entertainment Value? Mets Fumble Ownership

QUARANTENIA, BASEMENT – Welcome to another beautiful in day in our eternal lock-down. Last night the sports world offered up the first semblance of a return to normalcy in the much over-hyped event outside the ESPY’s the first round of the NFL Draft. An “event” that I normally skip in favor of watching a real game and am much better served by watching the ticker on the interwebs to see the result. Well not anymore. Now its Must-See TV for the sports-starved universe.

Good to see the draft return to its roots of Mel Kiper and a bunch of nerds in their basements instead of trying to manufacture it into some kind of Mardi Gras meets Fyre festival. I guess it was supposed to be in Vegas but instead we all got a peek into the lives of the rich and famous.

NFL Cribs it was not. I was most disappointed by the host Roger Godell’s man-cave. Really dude? You make a gargantuan salary to steal money from the working class in the form of PSL’s and overpriced swag and merchandise and that boring-ass basement is all you have to show for it? Roger, you are as lame as your virtual bro-hugs over Facetime with incoming players. I was truly looking forward to not seeing that aspect of the draft, but no, you had to do it. I truly await the day when we can feed you to the Detroit Lions. We all saw the pathetic setup Dave Gettleman had going on his basement, with a folding table and a computer he borrowed from his kids middle school library. He was also sporting a mask to allegedly prevent the three or four computer folk he had over for the day from infecting him, making for a great optic of a clown, more out of touch than our own Short Matt. 

Meanwhile, Kliff Kingsbury was lounging in a pad fit for a Miami coke dealer, with a fire pit outside his door and super cool set up. This is how GM’s should be judged folks. 

Oh, the actual draft analysis? I’ll leave that to our resident nerds (Ben-n-Buddy) who care to analyze things, I prefer to speak from the gut based on my own intuitions, with nothing based on fact or numbers. Why? Because sports are played in real life not on a computer.

The Giants did manage to come a way with what looks to be a solid guy in Andrew Thomas, who is ready to play LT for them immediately and allowing the Gold Jacket guys Barkley and Jones to immediately improve their game, instead of portraying rodeo clowns ready to get gored by the opposing defense’s bull rush… I guess I’ll say this was a sensible pick.

If the Colonel had any kind of poker face he would have circulated rumors he and Judge weren’t happy with Jones and were sure to draft Tagovailoa and managed to trade down one slot to Miami and pick up an additional first round pick in the process. But instead he telegraphs exactly what he was going to do, much like the way he used an actual telegraph to relay his pick to Rog’s basement. Prepare for more disappointment in the coming rounds tonight Giant fans. This guy is a total clown who should be immediately relegated to managing the Pop Warner team in his town. 

In other disappointing news…The mighty Metropolitans keep trying to one up themselves in punching their fans in the gut even while totally idle waiting for the season to begin. First they manage to injure Noah Syndergaard when they are not even playing- reminding me of that scene from FRIDAY where Ice Cube gets fired on his day off.

Now they pony up the worst possible new owner they could ever conjure up – Really?A-Rod? For f—‘s sake people can you throw us a bone please? I hear the Wilpons want to sell the money-losing-team but won’t include the SNY network in the sale that makes a huge profit. What knucklehead would agree to anything remotely like that? The whole point of owning the network is so you can pump money into the team. 

This should be against the rules folks. F*** revenue-sharing with other teams. Share it with your won team, you clowns. 

You go ahead, I’ll take the elevator.

Well, that’s it for now. Come back tomorrow for Short Matt to share his tidbits on how cheaters never win and then counter that by saying everyone cheats… or some crap about walking his dog and fighting millenials in the staircase.

Til then…

Share Button
About Replacement Matt 54 Articles
Replacement Matt, aka Aussie Matt & Trevor Herrick, has been the Minnie Minoso of MTM from Day One. He's willingly been hit in the undercarriage by cricket balls, had beer poured on him from the upper deck and been handed the camera to film for Tall and Short Matt on countless occasions. In many ways, he's been too valuable to start. But make no mistake, he'd be the headliner on any other bald guy's sports site!