NEW YORK, NY – As was mentioned here yesterday, and at multiple other outlets, this first weekend for New York’s (New Jersey’s, really) football teams was something of a disaster. I actually love that term: DISASTER. It can be used for some many things—from a sandwich order to a marriage and everything in between—and always seems hilariously appropriate. It also puts me in mind of the 1970s and the Golden Age of Disaster Movies. Along with the Giants and Jets, there were other teams that had it rough this weekend. Let’s see if we can give at least a few of them their cinematic disaster due. Roll ‘Em!
BUFFALOST. Produced by Irwin Allen, and starring Josh Allen, a group of desperate men from a snowy Northern gulag vanquish their mystical enemy in seconds, only to see their Gilligan-like leader keep them from ultimate victory. Will they figure it out before it’s too late? Co-starring Stefon Diggs as the guy who keeps saying: “Get me the hell out of here!”
THE COUSINS SYNDROME. Minnesota is in meltdown mode and, naturally, Captain Garbage Time, Kirk Cousins, is at the center of it. There’s nowhere to go but even further down, when you tap out to Tampa in your home opener. Be sure not to miss even more nuclear numbnuttedness this Thursday night in Philly where we finally answer the question: Does Pro Football have a mercy rule?
BROWNOUT! Eerie (Erie?) things start happening to newly-filthy-rich Joe Burrow when he and his buddies embark on a roadtrip to play the lowly Browns. 82 passing yards later, and it’s clear that Joe & Co. are the mistake by the lake. Film tagline: $55 Million Ain’t Worth Sh!t in Cleveland.
GITANIC. On a rainy night, and not even one full half into the 2023 NFL Season, the New York Giants hit a Texas-sized iceberg. As Captain Brian Daboll and crew scramble to assess the damage, you can almost hear one of the most famous New York sports quotes ever, courtesy of former New York Knick Micheal Ray Richardson: “The ship be sinking.”
THE PITTSEIDON ADVENTURE. Sticking with a nautical theme, the Pittsburgh Steelers’ season already seems upside down after getting washed over by a San Fran tsunami. Cue up the strains of “There’s Got to Be a Morning After,” but like Gene Hackman and Shelley Winters, we’re not sure everyone’s gonna make it out of this mess in one piece.
AARONPORT 2023. C’mon, who didn’t love the classic Airport aviation disaster series. Four movies (Airport, Airport 1975, Airport ’77, and The Concorde… Airport ’79), each one worse than the one before. But Monday night, this franchise (as well as the Jets) may have hit a new low. While almost all of these campy thrillers took place in the air, the one starring Aaron Rodgers, and hyped beyond belief, never got off the ground. Surely you can’t be serious. I am serious, and don’t call me Shirley. It’s a long season so be sure not to miss: Airport: Captain Zach on the Tarmac opening exclusively in Dallas (!!!) this Sunday. Maybe don’t let the kids watch this one.
Okay, this column was, fittingly, a disaster. Come back tomorrow for Buddy Diaz who will clean up this mess before his Eagles make a mess of the Vikings.
