BRONX, NY – Having Kirk Cousins as the quarterback of your favorite football team isn’t a fun thing. It’s not just that he’s overpaid and awful, it’s like someone said, “Hey, what if we took Bradley Cooper’s Sack Lodge character from The Wedding Crashers and made him even more unlikable?” It’s tough rooting for a team when you can’t stand a player or its owner or your fellow fans. It’s been well-documented here that both JG Clancy and I jumped off the good ship NY Yankees around the same time. I think he may have beat me by a year, but our exit strategies were similar. Get as far away from George Steinbrenner as possible. They say that real fans stick with their teams no matter what, but what do THEY know? There are second acts in life, so why not in sports? It’s time to take out the trash.
Dallas Cowboys. Look, the Cowboys were an unholy abomination before Jerry Jones owned them. Players like Drew Pearson and Butch Johnson made me want to vomit with rage. Cowboys fans? Oh man, where to begin? Cheesy Bruin is one of my best buds, and a ‘Boys fan, but at least he knows something about football and not afraid to bash his team for their many shortcomings. Jerry Jones is Football Joe Arpaio. Chris Christie is your “superfan.” Mike McCarthy is your bumbling new coach, that everyone but Jerry knew was a moron. Zeke sucks. It’s 2020 and I’m finally willing to admit that Dallas truly is America’s team. Kick this f**ker to the curb.
St. Louis Cardinals. Now that Bob Gibson, Lou Brock, and Stan Musial are no longer on this mortal coil, it is okay to really hate the Cardinals with reckless abandon. The city of St. Louis is like a 1980s shopping mall that someone forgot to finish, and Cardinals fans are the rudderless, white bread patrons that cling to their team like the last pair of Old Navy mom jeans on the rack. It would all be kinda funny, except the Cardinals consider themselves some sort of baseball royalty. They are the Clydesdales at the rear of a parade that people long since stopped watching. Falsely proud, lumbering, and insignificant.
Tiger Woods. I’m not gonna waste a lot of words on this pod person. Tiger is one of the greatest golfers to ever play this bored white rich guy’s leisurely escape from the wife. He’s King Milquetoast in a sport absolutely devoid of personality. Being a “Tiger Woods Fan” is like having a crush on an irregular Modell’s mannequin. He’s got all the allure of a sand trap. Find something equally riveting to keep your attention, like a container of sourdough starter.
Jets and Knicks. Look, I could talk trash about a whole hell of a lot of teams and athletes, but why mess around? The Jets and Knicks are two teams that really deserve your undivided disdain. With the Knicks it’s strictly the ownership, but that should be enough to send you screaming towards the exits. The Jets are poison from the top down, and have been for years. How is my man Junoir Blaber still supporting this trash organization? Woody Johnson? Adam Gase? Fireman Ed? The Sanchize? Mangenius? Johnny Lam Jones? Johnny Mitchell? Joe Namath? You know what, and I can’t believe I am saying this, Rex Ryan was too good for this organization. Yeah, that’s how f**ked this team is. Even wearing a mask can’t protect you from the green plague. Run!
Okay, I’m done for today. Come back tomorrow for The Buddy Diaz Experience.
