April Baseball: Struggling Rotations, Cold Bats, deGrom Conspiracy

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jacob degrom and wife

deGrom Conspiracy: Camo to hide?

NEW YORK, NY – While we fill-in for Big Al Sternberg/Fake Sandy Alderson, who went rogue – tailing Jacob deGrom. Seems Big Al/FSA is went AWOL  to investigate his deGrom Conspiracy. , Mets Lying About Wife & Baby conspiracy theory. With our pundit rotation now torn asunder, we couldn’t help but gravitate to April Baseball for today’s pinch-hit column: Struggling Starting Rotations, Cold Bats

deGrom Conspiracy: @AldersonFake is not one to shy away from a potential bomb-shell of a story – or even make it up. And this time, he’s thinking that the Mets are lying about deGrom, his wife and his lat. FSA/Big Al thinks it’s really another arm injury and Sandy Alderson forced the lanky long-locked hurler to throw Opening Day to keep the fans happy… despite being damaged goods.

Starting Rotations: With all the hype surrounding the vaunted pitching staffs of the New York Mets, Cleveland Indians and St. Louis Cardinals, those teams are a collective 8-9. Four of those losses  were served – along with meatballs – by the hands of the highly-touted Mets. After Steven Matz got stabbed and bloodied repeatedly by shark-like Marlins last night, all are a bit Frigid in Flushing today. Apparently, nobody told Gas-house Gorilla Giancarlo Stanton – whose homer is still being chased by Bugs Bunny – how good the young guns of the Mets were… Up in Cleveland, they’re revered rotation is at least even at 2-2, thanks to? Mother Nature.

Cold Bats: We know that home-town fans want their team to kick off their squads’ respective seasons at home. They don’t want their boys struggling on the road to start. But must we try to force baseball games in places like Cleveland, Milwaukee and even the Bronx on April 4th? Even if it’s not raining or snowing, it’s likely to be be freezing. And we don’t give a Bob Uecker that Miller Park has a retractable roof. Who the Cecil Cooper wants to go to a baseball game when it’s 30 below? Heck, we were freezing our baseballs off at the CitiField opener and it was in the mid-40s. 7 Postponements have already been [water/snow] logged. Heck, the Yankees got wintered out at home and then wintered out in Detroit. We’re not exactly Yankees sympathizers but Great Caesar Cedeno’s Ghost, they go from frigid New York City to… Detroit?! What the frostbite is up with that? As crazy as that is, it’s even crazier that those Bronx Blue-Hairs are 3-2… because of their hot bats!

In conclusion, we offer this mandate for our man Manfred: No MLB games can be scheduled for the first 10 days of the season in places where the temps dip below 50 degrees. Period. The only exception to that rule is if you start in Cincinnati, honoring tradition.

Come back tomorrow for a man that honors tradition whenever free booze can be had, The Artist Formerly Known as Angry Ward, who stars as the apologetic umpire in this:

Bugs Bunny – Baseball Bugs (1946) by TheCryptoCrew

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