Clairvoyant Matt: Bold Sports Predictions for Giants, Mets, Knicks, Rangers, Celeb Pundits

0 Comments

WEST BROOKLYN, NJ – A very Happy New Year to you my friends! As the days between the years come to an end we all slide into an uncertain future. What will tomorrow bring? What will the coming year bring? Where will we be in ten years? Well, fear not I have seen the future and have returned to the past to share with you what I have seen. Brace yourselves for it is not pretty, you have been warned.

The New York Football Giants. The past decade was the best of times and the worst of times, It began with a bang, a Super bowl win in 2011 and ended with the team somewhat resembling the Joe Pisarcik era. But fear not, Dave “The Colonel” Gettleman has sworn to change his ways and hired four “computer folk” to help move him into the modern era of analytics. He then asked his grandma to make him another cup of Ovaltine at the Five & Dime. After proclaiming he had no regrets about paying Eli Manning 23 million to be a back up, he decides to not let the past move on. Gettleman designates Eli with the Franchise tag to make sure he doesn’t sign elsewhere in the offseason. Then he will draft a group of players who he fell in “full blown love” with who will all be eclipsed by the next player drafted. The Giants end the decade with no playoff appearances, yet for old times sake award Gettles with another long-term deal, as the Mara’s don’t think it’s the Giant way to move on and cut your loses.

The New York Rangers. Somehow the Rangers escape the malaise that falls upon our other locals and go on a glorious run in 2022 and win the Stanley Cup. Suddenly James Dolan becomes interested in #hockey and cleans house, firing Jeff Gorton and bringing in Isiah Thomas and Steve Mills in to oversee the rebuild. The Rangers do not win again for 54 years.

Meet_The_Matts, Knicks, Mets, Giants, Dave_Gettleman, Rangers, Trevor_Herrick

The New York Knicks. The Knicks remain irrelevant, nothing to see here folks. Somehow they still sell out The Garden every night.

The New York Mets. Dellin Betances throws lights out all through spring training then goes for horseback ride with his new pal Yoenis Cespedes. He is never heard from again after injuring his spleen while braiding his new pony’s hair… Brodie Van Whoosie signs the entire CAA empire and Center Field is now patrolled by Tom Cruise.

For our MTM team, I can also say sadness is in our future.
Angry Ward is sent a bottle of Pappy Van Winkle by the corporate overlords of Deadspin in an attempt to get him on as editor. Much like Young Frankenstein, he brings the site back from the… Dead. He texts Short Matt to see if he will counter offer. A promise of a holiday party is floated and never delivered. Ward remains in the flock and can sleep at night knowing he didn’t sell out. His wife and daughter ask him to leave the residence.NHL Nut Cheesy Bruin hates Dale Hunter, the Washington Capitals MeetTheMatts.com
Ben Whitney finds his dog Chief. Thank goodness I have something happy to report.
Buddy Diaz finally turns on Carmelo Anthony after he denies Buddy’s repeated requests for an interview.
Junoir Blaber realizes its cold in Buffalo and moves to Miami.
Different Matt is awarded a Pulitzer and is hired to replace John Davidson in the midnight massacre at MSG.
Cheesy Bruin (right) hits on all his picks and is hired to be Ace Rothstein’s right hand man at the Tangiers in Vegas
-And finally, Short Matt is committed to the institute for the criminally insane after a rant about beer prices in the parking lot of Yankee Stadium. Again, nothing to see here folks.

Have a great weekend and please come back tomorrow for foreshadowing into said rant from the aforementioned Short .

Facebook Comments
Share Button

Filed in: FeaturedReplacement Matt
Tagged with:

About the Author ()

Replacement Matt, aka Aussie Matt & Trevor Herrick, has been the Minnie Minoso of MTM from Day One. He's willingly been hit in the undercarriage by cricket balls, had beer poured on him from the upper deck and been handed the camera to hold for Tall and Short Matt on countless occasions. In many ways, he's been too valuable to start. But make no mistake, he'd be the headliner on any other bald guy's sports site!

Back to Top